just checking in...

i have a little time, so i'll just write a bit...things are confusing now and i was going to write that i don't know what to do, but i do know what to do...the stress levels are increasing and that isn't helping...i need to go off line because i am expecting phone calls, so i will write later...hopefully i will teach today and some answers to prayer will come...may not be what i want to hear, but we will see...

life seems like such a struggle right now, but it really isn't...

what i mean is that my problems are financial, spiritual, social, physical, emotional, etc...but i have my life and m. and k. are part of it, a big part of it, so just be thankful for the blessings i have and don't stress about the rest...right?...is that what i should do?...i want to be responsible for my bills...i don't know what to do about this month...part of me says, yeah, i can trust God that His will includes some miracle about helping me get my bills paid, but why should i expect help in my life when others with more dire circumstances may not get help?...am i selfish to expect help in an area that i should be responsible?...i guess my prayer needs to be, God, lead me to the person or people who can help me in the way You want to happen...i am not looking for charity, i am looking for someone who can objectively listen and learn about my situation and then make suggestions or observations about what i can do to take care of things...i also need to pray for m. and k., we just had a painfully honest conversation that i think was difficult on us all...they both deserve the truth and then they can figure out what to do with it or how to respond...i just love them both, no matter what, i hope they always know that...i am not showing a very good example, though, by isolating myself and avoiding life...God, You know my intentions, and they are good, but my actions are either lame or nonexistent...please help me find the answers that do Your will and are helpful to the kids and me...help me to trust again...not just You, but others...

i tried to add a map, but it didn't work...

oh well...

another weekend is upon us...

so today looks like this...i will probably do some laundry, then walk down to the sausage fest...for those who are not from this area, the sausage fest is a pretty cool event which features lots of games, food, singing, food, dancing, food, and food...the sausages are delicious, get one with sweet, hot mustard...there are sweets like cakes, pies, and brownies...it's lots of fun and it's for a good cause...

k. and a. were over last night to get stuff for the football game...hope they had fun...

i am just not in a writing mood right now...maybe later...

i have been troubled about a blog i read the other night...it depressed me and now i am really praying for the person who writes it...this person is caught up in a very sad and lonely world, and i just pray this person can find what life is really all about...

more later...

good monday to you all...

when i have more time, i will try to do justice to the awesome choir retreat of this past weekend...it was incredible..taught 5th grade in a bilingual class, it was muy bueno...then went to kp, and it was okay...back to working those 9 or 9.5 hour days again...but i am glad to have 2 jobs when many people don't even have 1...talked with m. for a while, also talked with k. on msn messenger...well, it is almost 9 pm and i need to go to bed...later...

good day today...

i taught today for the first time since june...it was awesome...4th grade, lots of kids that i had taught last year and before, and great to see all of the teachers and others...i am so tired, but it's that exhausted-from-doing-what-you-love type of tired...i am watching big brother 5...i used to bash the reality shows, and now i kinda like some of them, especially amazing race...oh, yeah, ken jennings won again...don't know whether he has lost yet in any of the shows that have been recently taped, but he seems to have a good attitude about it...

now to the depressing reality of life...this evening there was a candlelight memorial for bob mars, the teacher murdered last weekend...two teens (aged 16 and 14- can you believe?) will be charged...all for a gang initiation...unbelievable...i didn't go to the memorial, i was at work until 6:00 and i really didn't know him other than remembering him as a cute guy that went to the same grade school in pasco and stuff...so i will just pray for his family, etc., and the families and friends of the two who killed him, allegedly...and i pray for them, too...god forgives, but how?...how can god love us all so much that he can forgive even these heinous crimes?...beyond all understanding, for sure

m. should be home soon...it will be nice to see him...k. will be going to the football game in vancouver tomorrow with ko. and his family, i will be going to packwood, which is south of mt. rainier, and m. will join us later...very excited for a fun weekend...

more later...

feeling kind of numb about this information...

apparently two teenage boys from kennewick will be charged in the murder and attempted robbery of the ki-be teacher who was killed this weekend...i have heard rumors which i will not share here, but i feel just numb and angry if these rumors are true...there are some real cowards in this world, and i think these two are an example of that...god be with this man's family, friends, students, co-workers, and just anyone that is having trouble dealing with this...this weekend there was another murder, just as senseless, a man having been shot then hit by a car, although the being hit by the car seems to be accidental...violence, terrorism, injustice...sometimes it just gets to be too much...

on a much lighter note...
Ken Jennings, Jeopardy 41-day champion, is up to $1,380,661...cool

what happened to last night's blog entry?

yeah, ain't technology great?...i wrote a fairly insightful blog entry last night and for whatever reason, it never appeared...oh well, so i'll just try to remember what i wrote...worked for only an hour, then ange and i went to wendy's for their "99 cent menu" before our cpr/first aid class, which lasted from 600 until about 930, got home, called mom and dad, watched "amazing race", watched the news, wrote my "blog that never was", then read a bit from "harry potter and the ______________________" (whatever the second book is called, the chamber of secrets, i do believe)...so i am obviously not working today, and the thought of finding of non-teaching job for this year is looking more and more possible...an interesting, higher-paying job which would enable me to 1. pay off my $26,000 school loan 2. make an income that would enable me to pay my bills each month and start a decent savings account 3. purchase a home but really #'s 1 and 2 are the only necessities, i don't ever have to have a home, that is a want, not a need...however, i want to provide matt and kim with a place so they can each have their own rooms...anyone who has read any of my earlier blogs probably knows that i currently live in a small 1 bedroom, 1 bath apartment...i am extremely thankful to have this place, actually...

it's like 1139 am, and my appt is at 200, so i will leave about 100 so i can pay my electricity bill on the way (it's due tomorrow) and i also like to get places early...i asked for the day off, but if i get done early enough, i will go to work...i only worked like 25 hours last week and this week, forget it, i have hardly worked at all...

i just pray for guidance about whatever happens at the doctor today...will update later...

kami and karli are out on amazing race...

another exciting episode of amazing race has just ended, and yes, the twins have been eliminated...i like the way no one really quits in this show...some scenes from next week just came up and someone will use the yield...in more important and sobering news, the apparent murder weapon in the benton city murder case may have been found...we are watching the 1100 news for more details...i only worked for about 1 hour today and then had a 4 hour cpr/first aid class until about 930...a very well done class, however, very graphic at times and i felt kind of nauseous...i go to the doctor's office tomorrow and hopefully i am on the way to discovering the disorder/illness/condition/whatever is causing the weird symptoms i have been having...angie and i went to wendy's then to the class...it was nice to spend some time with her...it's pretty late so i will sign off...

Merry Un-Labor Day!

so i'll make this quick because my computer sounds like it is about to explode or implode or some type of "plode"...since i last wrote, what has happened...the russian school situation has been so difficult to deal with, sounds like the deaths could go up to 500...i pray for the survivors and their families and friends, how do you live with that experience?...another murder in the tri-city area, this time a teacher, so as a fellow teacher, it numbs my brain to think that teachers are so often targets for violence...don't want to go into many details as the investigation continues, but it was someone who graduated with my sister in 78, i do believe, and don't know what else to say except i put the whole kiona- benton city area in my prayers too...president clinton is having his surgery...and on a good note, the red sox are hopefully closing in on the yankees...i like the yankees, don't mind seeing them in the playoffs ever, but i love the sox and would like to see "it" happen- you know, the curse would end and the sox could win it all...or the cubbies...my mariners had an unexpectedly lousy season but they will be back...after years of futility we had 1995 then we got used to winning, then 2004 happened...all of this sports talk can't take my mind off the reality of this world...i can't get the faces of those russian school children out of my thoughts...i used to love sports as in i was obsessed with them...now they serve as a distraction, although i do think that the seahawks will have a good season...i am almost done reading "harry potter and the sorcerer's stone"...yeah, i know, everyone else in the world has read all 5 of rowling's books, and i, a teacher for goodness'sake, is just now finishing the first...what can i say?...hopefully i will be back to my usual schedule of teaching and working at kp...emotionally and financially i have to work that 9.5 hours a day just to barely break even...so it's just after 9 am here in the beautiful pacific northwest area of the usa (actually the southcentral part of washington state), hey but next weekend i'll be just south of mt. rainier, so i am excited, of course, unless it decides to pull a mt. st. helens act and explode on us...hey, whatever...okay, so maybe i'll write more later...

a busy friday...

some very disturbing news from the russian school situation...apparently there have been many bodies found inside the school and the situation continues to unfold...it just leaves me with such a numb feeling...news reports mentioned parents begging to trade places with their children, and i understand that...if matt or kim were in there, yes, without hesitation i would demand to trade places with them...this is a moment in my faith where i really don't understand and have to just give it up to God...also the hurricane frances situation is concerning me...i am sure that jeph and family have been evacuated...i pray for all of those people seeking shelter and safety...it seems today there are so many prayers that need to be prayed...actually, if you really think about it, every day there are the same numbers of prayers that need to be prayed, how about one for each of the over 6 billion people on earth?...duh...but many times people need specific prayers, like the hostages (and their captors) and families in russia, the people on the southeast us coast, the people of sudan who continue to be in danger, even my own little problems with "how will i pay rent next month?" seems kind of small compared to the huge survival type problems others deal with every day...my own survival problems are actually not concerning me as much as i would have thought...i know that these nodules on my thyroid might be just normal and that a prescription for synthroid will get me feeling better...or...worst case scenario...my melanoma has spread to my thyroid, and yes, i know what metastatic malignant melanoma could mean...i'll just wait to talk to the doctor on wednesday...i continue to be very exhausted and unmotivated, only able to work 5 or 6 hours a day instead of my normal 9.5 when i am teaching and then working at kp...i basically work and sleep...i don't have the hopelessness or worthlessness that might signal a depression or a worsening of my bipolar disorder...kim is concerned (as am i) about konnor's illness, so i pray that he will recover soon...haven't talked to matt for a couple of days, so hope he is doing okay...this weekend i don't know what i have planned, but i really need to get out and be outside instead of cooping up inside...will write more later...really i will...maybe not today, but...