the games of the 28th olympiad have concluded...

it's sad, but life does go on...the competitions were exciting and the music was stirring, but the stories of sacrifice and tragedy and triumph were incredibly sentimental to me...i know that athletics don't compare to things like being a soldier dying for your country or a police officer or firefighter, but it still has been very touching to hear of some of these stories...i only saw part of the story of the greek marathoner during world war 2, because i picked up kim at konnor's and took her to her grandparents', so i wonder what the rest of the story was, after he was set free by the germans because he proved he had competed in the berlin olympics, while all of the other men involved were killed...i just don't get that...anyway, more about this next part later, but i have some major changes ahead for me...i won't go into them now, but they will happen...

another saturday is almost done...

just watching the olympics, taped of course on nbc...the 5000 m race is being shown...earlier i watched springboard diving, rhythmic gymnastics and basketball...i stayed home and cleaned, as i earlier had threatened to...matt is sleeping, actually waking up and looks very exhausted...kim was at james' house, then went to the fair...the fair ended tonight, essentially "ending" summer in the local area...schools are starting, the fair is over, september is on its way...this is a great time of year in some ways, not so great in others...i like the change of seasons, the crisp coolness of the mornings, the red-orange-yellow leaves that burst onto the scene only to fall dry to the ground and are eventually crunched into nothingness...leaves undergo a life cycle much like humans do...we begin small, wet, green (as in inexperienced), we develop and grow from nourishment, blossom, then dry up and die...oh, that was depressing and not necessarily true...i dried up and died, only to be reborn, in a way, in different ways...i think faith and salvation was the main rebirth, my divorce was another, and some of the trials of my life helped me be reborn again, too...it sounds strange that 1 awesome thing and 2 seemingly awful things would positively shape my life...this has been a weird blog...my tiredness and fatigue are affecting my thoughts and my rambling is getting weird...what to do tomorrow?...i plan to go to church, not sure i will though...still have much organizing and throwing out stuff before school really gets into swing...laundry...final olympic day...republican national convention starts soon...it's just after 10 pm and for some reason, cbs is not rerunning tuesday's amazing race...oh well, i watched it already and matt is asleep and therefore will not be watching...

for some reason i feel compelled to describe my surroundings...as i type, the irritating buzzing and droning of my el cheapo computer continues...it sounds like a car engine that has something terribly wrong with it...next to the computer is a ps2/dvd given to the kids by their grandparents...a couple of matt's ncaa video games are in front, along with a johnny depp dvd fest including secret window, sleepy hollow and oh, sorry, seven, without johnny depp..to the left of the computer is the useless printer and the tower from which all of those buzzing and droning noises emit, and some computer paper, and some school stuff of the kids...then the tv attached to an old vcr with cry baby and an old er episode on a tape, the karaoke machine with eric's vocal improv cd, a cardboard box filled with hundreds of photos from 1962 to current...the "coffee" table with phone, water bottle, wicker basket and remote, plus my two earrings of fake pearls purchased for $3.99 at rite aid...under the table are many board games, including monopoly and scrabble, plus a chess game with the figures of the seattle mariners and new york yankees...surrounding the table are my couch and small sofa...a small table, mission style like the coffee table, sits next to the sofa...kleenex, my waterproof jacket from the thrift shop, kim's school box, and a candle are on the table, while a candle lite candle thing is under it, and my bible and other bible study stuff are in a wicker basket next to the table...by the window is the card table from mom and dad, the three chairs from before (when there were 4 of us0 and on the table are a briefcase, movie posters from the return of the king and pirates of the caribbean...also the posters i made for matt's graduation...next to the air conditioner is an old bag of cat food that tig can't eat because of his health problems...also that shelf is next to the window with my curling iron, mirror, backpack and matt's cell phone charger...the comfortable orange recliner and the spinning dark orange chair are under the ceiling fan, and in the middle is grandma's old bookcase, on which i have displayed many of the books i used in becoming a teacher...kim's cool green lamp is on the top along with a couple of my books...okay, i have just described most of the living room area of my one bedroom apartment, the one in which at times all 3 of us live, and at times we have had like 15 kids over watching movies and stuff...those are good times when that is happening...i hope that with school starting, matt and kim's friends will start coming over again....maybe i will have friends over too...okay, tomorrow we will discuss the rest of the apartment...or maybe not...tune in tomorrow for "extreme makeover (needed) apartment edition"...

us women win gold in basketball!

good saturday morning...matt just left for work and i plan to clean up around here and get organized...lol...no, seriously, i will be teaching again soon and won't have time, so better do it now...i actually got 2 comments on this blog and i was really surprised, knowing someone else has read this and seems to like it...not that i was ever thinking of quitting this, it's so much easier for me than writing in journals...the olympics only has 2 more days and i will miss it...matt and i have reallly enjoyed watching...well, i will write more later, want to get started on cleaning and maybe call or contact kim on msn messenger...later...

this has been a slow week..

okay day at work...i had an ultrasound on my thyroid today, so we'll see what happens...i am still exhausted and not taking care of myself...i called and talked to kim about her first day at rhs and she sounded tired, she had been sleeping, hopefully she is feeling okay and that we can see each other soon...matt is at work and will be home soon...the us women's soccer won gold...it will be another good olympic night for the usa...later...

it's what you do with the time you have...

this blog thing is different now, so i will try it and see if it works...

will tell more later...

boulder caves was awesome and silverwood was too...will write more later...i am still sick, but getting better...will go to the doctor tomorrow after work...will go see "styx" at the fair tuesday night, then will go to the fair with work the next day...won't have to pay either time...cool...i prayed about being in a rut and needing some excitement in my life, then i get to go to boulder cave and devil's creek falls on sunday, silverwood on monday, styx at the fair next tuesday, and the fair again on wednesday...wow...later

yeah, life is a bit better

cool...i went to bible study rather reluctantly tonight because of my nausea and exhaustion, and while it started off slowly, some very powerful things happened, i think...can't really explain here, but i have a lot to think about, especially from what other people said...also, boulder caves is sunday!...and yeah, i am going back to silverwood monday...thank you God!...more later...

too tired to write...

it just continues and i am so tired of it...i pray that God would guide me because i am lost right now...

i have never even gotten a comment on any of these blogs...if you read this, please comment...

this blog just perpetuates my feelings of aloneness and isolation...

complete and total exhaustion

very long, very difficult work day...i am close to losing my health insurance through no fault of my own...i am frustrated beyond words...i don't have the energy to express the frustration properly, so i will do that another time...later...

tuesday...that must mean amazing race is on!

so work was better than yesterday, but i still feel tired, slightly irritable, and sore in my neck and back...tonight i think i will go to bible study just to see what is happening, and then come home and watch one of my favorite shows, "the amazing race"...i like charla and myrna, chip and kim, sorta like brandon and nicole, the twins are okay, the brothers i think are giving me a bad impression, who else is on there?...oh, colin and christie- i don't know about them, and then there is...i don't know...i'll write more later...we are finally doing the laundry...so i will write later...

why am i so tired?

i just couldn't get "into" work today...meaning i was there for 8 hours, but i just couldn't be my normal interesting and enthusiastic self...except when playing dodgeball...i am so tired, my back and neck hurt (what is new?) and this whole nutrition thing is difficult and it takes a lot out of me...i just need to get some more, or all preferably, of this cleaning and organizing done...i am concerned about a certain situation that just happened and i pray that i did the right thing...i don't want to take away chances for matt or kim to have fun, do things with their friends, etc...i don't know what else to say about it other than it's hard doing this and making difficult decisions alone...although kim was involved and she just continues to show maturity, even when she was obviously disappointed...i know that i am not alone, that God is always there and i can pray or just ramble on endlessly and He listens, but i mean here on earth, there is no one to take this to and talk and discuss...i miss that very much, although i didn't really have a good listening support system during my marriage...that support will be a requirement in my future relationship...so, my back hurts more, so i will go take a rest...i think it is emotional as well as physical...i think the loneliness is trying to come back, but i won't let it...this has been a difficult day, but i think i did my best...

am i crazy?

i just have all of these ideas all of a sudden...like, the one i had before where i drive to work early and set up, then go take my walk and get back about 550 or so...then i have my car there and i can walk...then after work i can drive down to the park and walk or wait and do my walk when it cools down...also, if i do pilates am and pm, maybe that can jumpstart this metabolism that is currently not moving...it is frustrating...more frustrating is the fact that i didn't leave this apartment all day yesterday...i got a lot of cleaning done, however...i sent a im message to kim...haven't been in contact with matt or kim...i don't know what to say about that right now...i love them and think of and pray for them like always...i am making eggs right now...i think that i have been eating more than 20 g of carbs, so that may be why this all isn't working right now...will write more later...

another saturday morning...

well, i'm not sure what is going to happen today...just like any other day...i just don't feel that empty, isolated, loneliness that i did even as recently as last night...last night was hard for me...but it helped to think of all of the things and relationships that i am now free from, and that does give me some peace about it...things i need to do today include cleaning and organizing, especially my bills and paperwork...things i want to do today include a long walk and maybe going to hasting's, just to look around...i wonder if anyone else ever reads this?...sometimes i wish that someone else on this earth knew...understood...whatever...i slept on the couch last night, it was cooler out there with the white fan and i had the windows open a little because it was such a mild night...we are supposed to get back into the 90's like usual again by sunday...that is not such a good thing to me...i prefer the low 80's, i think, once the kids are settled into their own lives, about moving to the west side, maybe the san juan islands...i love it over there, but it is a different way of life, with the water and the transportation differences, and the cost of living is much higher...i would need to get my master's degree or at least a couple of endorsements and actually have my own classroom just to afford living there...it's not like i am making plans to move...i just like to dream, like anyone else...right now, i am here with matt and kim, where i want to be...don't know what will happen in the future, and don't want to be selfish or anything...my main concerns on this earth are matt and kim and our relationship and i guess helping them and showing them a good example...i don't do that every day, i'm sure, but i am trying...for some reason today i have more of a hopefulness than usual...oh, i just remembered, kim had asked me about going to a concert up in the seattle area and i want to pray about this decision...so i have some other things to do like the dishes and stuff, so i will go...i have to just keep going...i feel like i am being selfish again, but i am in need of something different, not just work all week and clean all weekend...but that depends on me...not anyone else...i can get in the car and drive somewhere, but it would have to be something free since i have no money for anything other than bills and groceries...that is okay, i am not complaining...i can look in the mirror and see a person who works hard and tries to be responsible for her bills and does make mistakes, and really the only one i have to try to please is God...He knows what's really going on, and His judgement is all that matters...living in this world, it can be hard to remember that, though...ok, i have lots to do, i need to go...hopefully there will be a good baseball game on fox...last night's mariner game ended strangely...but i just can't get all caught up in sports like i used to...later...

my so-called life...

the microwave beeps annoyingly to inform me that my chicken legs are thawed...i sit, hunched and seemingly defeated, at the throne of the "king" computer, who, in my opinion, should be the victim of a brutal coup and replaced by king dell or queen hewlett packard...yeah...that would be the winner of the "dumbest beginning of a novel ever"...anyway, i am tired from a long, weird day at work...will write more later after having eaten dinner and maybe rested or something...later

yeah, we went ice block sliding today...cool

yeah, another thunder and lightning advisory!...maybe it will rain again...yeah, ice block sliding was awesome...i went down once, then kenny challenged me to a race, and i had to say yes, right?...wow, it was so fun...kim is at her grandparents' house, then will spend tomorrow night at her dad's...hope it goes well...matt was here earlier, so it was good to see him, and i got a chance to talk to kim for a little while...konnor got back last night...got to see ariana today...she has really grown...well, i'll write more later...

an okay day...just glad it's almost over

work was okay...we played capture the flag...i am watching "arizona dream" with johnny depp...my back and neck still hurt...kim is at bryce's...hope to see matt sometime today...all for now...bye

soon it's gonna rain...i can feel it...

soon it's gonna rain...rain pell mell...soon it's gonna rain...what are we gonna do?...pretty good jazz song by genesis, not by my 1979 pasco high stage choir...a very quick workday...i would have to get another blog about my feelings about the husband who apparently killed his wife in utah...because i won't go there here...too much...yeah, we are under a "weather advisory" for thunder and lightning, yeah!...we need rain!...life on this earth is difficult, isn't it, sometimes?...what do people do who don't trust God?...if i only had this world and all of its problems, and had no concept of a Lord who would die for me and for everyone, even hitler, bin laden, all of us...i don't understand, but i do believe...it's hard when i hear the stories in the news and on the internet, and when i have experienced the pain and injustice that i have, but i do believe, i just don't get it...why some things happen and why some things don't happen...not sure what else to say...kim and some friends are at the rec room...if i had the energy, i would go down there and say hi and maybe play some pool, but i am just tired, and i have some housework...also i called that homes 4 life place and they will send me an information packet in the mail, hopefully i will get that tomorrow...if it is meant to be, then great..if not, then something else, i guess...i just would like a home with a bedroom for each of us, washer and dryer, yard, you know, just those things...but you know, there is no guarantee of anyone getting a house in life...many people live in a cardboard box...i need to be thankful for what we have...but at the same time, i want to provide matt and kim with a place to live, enjoy, have some privacy...sean hannity just played part of that song "this love" by maroon 5- i really like that song, why i don't know, but i like it...so i'll go now, got some housework and i think i'll watch "shadowlands" maybe...later....

not my best day...

i wouldn't say that things today were my fault necessarily, but there was a lot of tension between matt and me...we spend a lot of time together, which is good, but lately, today, the tension was noticeable...i think that we both want and need "the" relationship in our lives, but i don't know why it hasn't happened apparently for him, and i just haven't made an effort...i don't know...kim is here looking at old photos...she and sean went swimming...it is nice to have her here tonight...we rented movies...i will watch "shadowlands" sometime this week...i have wanted to see it for a while...i am feeling kind of tired and my back is hurting, what else is new?...i am teaching myself russian...i need to get speakers for the computer, so i can use the audio part to help pronounce the words...also have to figure out about getting russian alphabet letter...some actually look like english, and some even are pronounced somewhat similarly, but most are unusual and there are some different sounds...dateline has a story about elian gonzales, remember him?...wonder how he is doing?...he saw his own mother die...very sad...sounds like he has been forgotten, but maybe that is for the best for him...so i will say goodbye...bye...oh, by the way...it's mom and dad's 45th wedding anniversary...good for them...

oh, no, not another new fall series starring jason alexander!?!

we're "watching" the buick open, sort of, and we, meaning matt and i, i think will go to winco and safeway today...i just talked to kim on msn messenger and she sounds good...konnor will be home tuesday...today is mom and dad's 45th wedding anniversary...i could still have a 45th wedding anniversary if i marry somewhat soon...i am only 42, right?...i already had a 20th wedding anniversary...although we weren't together then so i guess it doesn't count...i didn't go to church this morning, but had an interesting "conversation" with God...ok, i am going to go get dressed and we'll go...i hope to stop by and see kim...bye