why?

i know that the bible says that God's ways are beyond our understanding....He works in mysterious ways...i apologize if i am taking scripture out of context...what has happened in asia is just too much to bear...how do you pray about this?...all of the lives lost, all of the missing people, the injuries, the damage, the places which simply disappeared from the face of the earth, the survivors, the families and friends and acquaintances of anyone involved...i guess my prayer would be (and has been), "God, i don't get this...why?...what should i pray about?...what could i do to help?...help me to be thankful for who and what i have in my life, especially now"...i've had that numb feeling since the tsunami, much like i did after 9/11, the school hostage situation in russia, columbine, the executions in iraq, and a few personal traumas...i think we go into that numb state of shock to protect ourselves from an unbearable situation...it protects us from that which we cannot experience at that time...on a personal note, i am saddened by the death of jerry orbach, an actor whom i admired in several roles, "law and order", of course, but also "dirty dancing" and the voice of lumiere in "beauty and the beast" (my favorite disney movie)...i know that death is what ultimately waits for each of us, but it is part of human nature for most people to be saddened by it, even when it takes away someone who is in unending pain, because we just miss that person being here with us, even if (hopefully) they are in heaven...

so 2004 ends...a safe and interesting 2005 to all of you in blogland...

hope it was/is a special Christmas for all

i'm not going to write much, mainly because a csi rerun is on and m. and i are going to watch...tonight there will be lots of channel changing because the "sound of music" is on and "my dog skip" and i think maybe "it's a wonderful life" is on again...i received two really great comments on my last blog, and that is just an awesome feeling to know that others are being somehow positively affected by something i have done...thank you...

thank You, God, for bringing family and friends together today...also for bringing together possible adversaries (my ex and his wife- but it was actually nice to see them and wish them the best)...thank You not only for humbling yourself to become a human and eventually die for OUR sins...help me to remember what You did for me and for us all...i get so caught up in unimportant and worldly things...help me to trust You and to just try to do the best i can...

help me to stay out of the candy!!!!!

merry christmas eve...eve

there are so many people who are grieving this christmas, and my thoughts and prayers go to them...families and friends of those killed or injured in the horrible attack in mosul, iraq...many of those soldiers are from ft. lewis here in washington state...the family of the woman murdered in missouri...any family or friend of someone who has been killed, injured, or is missing...people who are newly divorced, separated, or have lost a child through death or divorce or custody battle or just estrangement, as is my case with my daughter (her choice)...anyone out there who feels alone, whether they are actually alone or are in a room filled with people and still feel alone...this is a devestatingly difficult time of year, because i am one of you...i am choosing this year to be thankful for what i have and who is in my life, rather than wish for things or people or relationships that aren't in my life...yes, i am tired and my christmas break is only 3 days, but thankfully i have 2 jobs!!!!...yes, i have to wash my clothes in my bathtub, hang them up on the shower curtain to dry, and then over the heater to finish drying, but thankfully i have clothes and a place to live...we don't really have food in our cupboards right now, but m. has spent some of his own money to buy a little food for us to have...the heater on my car is not currently working and i have no money for getting it fixed, but thankfully i have a car, the weather isn't as bad as it could be, and i live in an area with public transportation that is almost always available...my daughter is choosing not to be in my life at this time, but there is always hope as long as we are both alive...

well, i am not sure where that all came from...

so...tomorrow is christmas eve...today is the first day of my christmas break...i get today, tomorrow, and new year's eve off...saw the movie "the incredibles" yesterday, and it is really fun...i recommend it, and i am very particular about movies, so you can trust that it is a good movie...m. and i have just been hanging around here, i have done some housework and i think we are going to grab the basketball from his trunk and go shoot some hoops down at oak park...it is about 29 degrees but it is sunny and really beautiful outside...tomorrow we will go to church, then mom and dad are having a sort of "christmas eve housewarming" for their new home...m. and i will be there, k. said she might go for a while, l. and f. and some of their kids, m. and r. and some of their kids, and of course, mom and dad...my parents have 3 children, myself, my older sister l. and my younger brother, m...l and her husband f have 6 kids ranging in ages from 25 to 10, m. and his wife r. have 7 kids ranging from 16 to 3, and with my ex-husband l. i have 2 kids...so mom and dad have 15 grandchildren of these approximate ages: 25, 23, 19, 17, 12, 10, those are my sister's...then 16, 14, 13, 10, 7,5, 3, my brother's kids...and mine are 19 and 16...8 girls and 7 boys...4 are high school grads, 1 will graduate from phs this year, 2 will graduate next year...at least 3 are in middle school, and the rest are in elementary or pre school...wow...i guess this goes in the "too much information" category...sorry...

so the washington governor race continues...christine gregoire is currently in the lead...although i voted for dino rossi, i will completely support whoever has been legally elected and actually becomes governor...

i'll write again later...

hey, it's sunny

i just looked out the window and noticed that the sun is out...cool...i am just not in a writing mood, so i won't...maybe later...have a good day anyway...

saturday morning, and i just got home!

what a fun Christmas party!..just got home from the hhs choir party and it was great...will tell more later...just waiting for m. to get home, and i think i hear his loud car now...his nissan sentra can be heard from miles away...m. got an "extreme makeover" tonight...he looks great...today i worked at e. and it is the same class that i will teach on monday and tuesday, then it will be the Christmas break...none of this "holiday" or "winter" break stuff for me...i celebrate the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ and i call it "Christmas"...yes, i was right, it was m.'s car...well, i will sign off...later...

a fun monday night!

so it's almost 10:30 and i just got home from the concert...we went to support d., r., and a. at their new school...then some of us went to zip's in kennewick and i had a cheeseburger and fries and pop...yeah, i did have tartar sauce with my fries...it is considered illegal to not use tartar sauce with your fries there...not really, but it should be...i rarely eat beef or french fries, but tonight i just did...the drive from finley middle school to zip's was extremely precarious, as my windshield wipers weren't really working and i couldn't see...at night...on a two-lane road...in an unfamiliar setting...in the rain...on a slick road...argh...

so it was a good night...i am tired, mainly due to the lack of sleep last night, the horrible dreams i had, and the overconsumption of caffeine yesterday...actually the caffeine was the cause and the lack of sleep and bad dreams were the effect...isn't it just like a teacher to make everything academic?...sorry...

i hope to God that i don't have any more violent dreams...i won't even describe what occured...i had violent dreams as a child and into my adulthood, and i have had some recently, but not this bad...

december 6, 2004 was a day during which i recalled various moments of a day three years ago...2:30...what was i doing today?...what was i doing three years ago?...don't want to go there...at this time in 2001, i was probably still recovering from a suicide attempt...had to drink that activated charcoal liquid sludge...then at about midnight i was being checked in to the counseling center, for my 13 day stay...it didn't really compare with my 35 day stay at the hospital in bellflower, ca in 1992...this time, i was "working the program" instead of doing God-knows-what...with God-knows-whom...as humbling and horrifying as the event three years ago was, i consider it a total blessing...it enabled those people and situations that didn't belong in my life to leave...it brought to me or kept with me those people or situations that were meant to be there...

i have revealed quite a bit in this blog, and i know that can be a kind of risk, but truthfully, none of this is confidential information...i have been quite open about my mental illness, bipolar disorder, although i am currently not on any meds nor am i a patient of any doctor or counselor, and i don't see that situation changing now or in the future...i guess i will explain more in future blogs, but right now i am tired and need to get things done so i can go to bed soon and be ready for work tomorrow...

leavenworth, wa...christmas capital, usa!

if you want a wonderful holiday experience which beautifully combines the commercial aspects with the Christian origins, go to leavenworth, wa!!!!...i spent the day there yesterday with m. and the hhs choir and band students, etc....it is sort of indescribable, as in, words don't really do it justice...anyone reading this who has attended the "tree lighting ceremony" there knows what i'm saying...absolutely beautiful and what a fun day!!!...by the way, the people of leavenworth are among the friendliest in the world, and especially the people of the mcdonald's restaurant- they were so helpful when one member of our group lost her retainer in the garbage and one of the managers emptied the contents of the garbage and personally handled all the garbage until both retainers were found...his name is nick (how appropriate!)...there are so many cool shops there...check out the "hat shop" where they have every cool hat imaginable...it is so crowded that they have to let people in and out of the shop in groups...there is hardly room to breathe, but it is worth it...m. bought a rainbow-colored baseball cap with a bicycle horn attached...if you know m., it is the perfect hat for him...

how to get to leavenworth?...well, it is northwest of wenatchee, wa...if you know where wenatchee, wa is...what a beautiful area...and the coolest part is...it snowed!...there was already snow on the ground, but this was the first time this year that the snow actually stuck, so as we were walking around enjoying the beautiful shops and the sounds of holiday music and each other's company, it snowed...schools and groups traveled from near and far to perform in the gazebo in the middle of the "square"...absolutely beautiful, i highly recommend this experience...

i will write again later...have a great rest of your sunday...

hope it's a good sunday...

so m. and i are just waiting for the seahawks game to start...we went to church, crossroads service at 11:00...it has been a long time since m. and i went to church together...great contemporary christian music, and the ageless message of God's sending Jesus to redeem our sins, basically...but mainly, just being there next to m. and praying that he has made that commitment to the Lord...i am so thankful for the time i am spending with m. today...i pray that God would continue to work on my relationship with k....

saw mom and dad before i took communion...they seem so glad to be in their new home...

it is chilly, but very sunny and beautiful out today...

i work at oms on monday and tuesday, then on wednesday my long term substitute position starts at mc....i will work there until about the 21st, then work a few days at kp until the Christmas break...

ok, i'm starting to feel ill, so i'd better go...later...

a blessed thanksgiving to all!

hope it is a special day for everyone out there in blogland...i am currently baking some cornbread to take when i go to my sister's house for the 2:00 dinner...i will first be going to the home of my ex-husband's parents for a 12:00 dinner...should be fun at both places...it's been a short and busy week...i worked at oms on monday, then was the librarian at rfe on tuesday and wednesday, as well as working at kp in the afternoons...did some errands yesterday, got my hair cut (more on that later, probably)...so just looking forward to spending some time with family and friends today...so much to be thankful for each day of our lives, right?...today i have been thinking about a third anniversary that rapidly approaches, and i think about the progress and growth that has come from that experience...i will elaborate more as december 6 gets closer...december 6, 2001 was a day in which i both lost everything and gained everything in life...some may read that and think, "what?"... some may read it and think, "sounds familiar"...

so wherever you are in the world, whoever you are and whatever you do, i wish for you a safe and special thanksgiving day, and that all of your days would be so...

until next time...

yeah...extreme makeover home edition is on tonight!

so...that new part of my blog title is a quote i found on someone's blog, and i liked it, so...here it is...it's very true, isn't it?...good will prevail, eventually...if we all could take after gandhi's example of peace, that would change the world, wouldn't it?...but not everyone is of the same mindset, so that won't happen...all i can do is do my best each day to build people up instead of breaking them down...i do try to do that...

by the way, i am totally confused as far as what week this is...um, i am a week ahead of schedule...obviously, world aids day is wednesday, december 1...duh...

there are many things in this world which sadden and confuse me...aids...alzheimers...mental illness...all are personally so sad to me, not just the devestation of the illnesses, but the stigma against them, especially aids and mental illness...get over it, people...ok, i am going to stop now, or this will turn into one of my pre-election rants...i just have a real problem with people who consider aids a "cure", and think that those with mental illness are somehow "weird" or "different"...don't get me started...oh, i already am started?...ok, somebody stop me...

tomorrow i work in that sort of challenging class, but i am ready for the challenge...bring it on!

i am still trying to finish harry potter and the goblet of fire...still need to see movies 2 and 3 of that series...movies that look interesting are: sideways (have heard excellent things about it) and return to neverland (with johnny depp)...maybe during christmas i will actually go to the theater (!) and see a movie (!)...

it has been possibly three months since i have viewed any of the lord of the rings movies...something is seriously wrong with me...i guess i needed a break, since i have seen each of them at least 10 times, and read each book, including the hobbit...

again i am distracting myself from a difficult world situation by discussing really unimportant mundane trivial subjects...i just can't focus on what is happening in the war and what is happening just everyday and i hear it on the news and i just can't go there right now...each day goes by and the skies are dark earlier and earlier...but i am not ruled by depression as in years past...sadness is now merely sadness, boredom is boredom, anger is anger...i no longer allow a diagnsis to take the blame for my choices, and it has been freeing...

this blog entry has been rather rambling, but hey, it says in my blog title that there may be rambling involved, so...you were warned!

ok, i am done...until next time...

another sunday morning (depending on where you live)

good sunday morning, or happy monday to any of you in those time zones...it's the week of thanksgiving, so a short work week, fortunately, but also unfortunately...as a substitute teacher who depends on working each school day, no school means no work which in turn means no income...those of you who read this blog {again, i have only heard from my one faithful follower in southern california :) }know that i have another job, but, alas, it is closed both thursday and friday this week...so...that 4 day weekend that i used to anticipate is now the 4 day weekend to dread...have no fear, though...my complaining stops now...i will look upon this 4 days as a positive...
where has my creativity gone?...seems my last few blogs have lacked the interesting element...writer's block?...sure, why not?...oh, i helped mom and dad move into their beautiful new home in west richland yesterday...they will move in officially on tuesday...m. and i will go to church at 930 am, then i think we'll watch the seahawk game and whatever, then he will go to kennewick for the week...it will be a busy week, lots going on...tuesday k. is going to get her driver's license, i have to work so i hope her grandpa will take her...wednesday night i will go to the world aids day service...i have missed the last couple of years, so i am glad to be going back...m.'s group is performing at a world aids day service at cbc...there is a concert that i will miss that night...m. said something about a concert on thursday, but since that is thanksgiving, i don't know...that would be cool, though...it's not like holidays are off-limits, we did go down to that louise rose clinic on veterans day...i'll go to my sister's, then probably to l.'s parents home on thursday...i just remembered last year when i was working 3 jobs, 7 days a week, and i was working at bon macy's the day after thanksgiving...never again!!!!!!!!...i do not like working retail and dealing with money...put me in a classroom with 100 kids, i can take it....no more retail!

by the way, the washington governor race is still too close to call!...they are re-counting...may not know until into december just who will lead this great state of washington...my brother mi. said yesterday that gregoire should be westside gov and rossi should be eastside gov...hmmmmm....interesting...there are vast differences on each side of our state, politically, geographically, culturally, demographically, etc...but we are one state and need one gov...so we'll see what happens..

finally friday...

obviously it has been a busy week, since i haven't written since last saturday...i am too tired to write tonight...does that sound familiar?...hopefully i will have time to write tomorrow...

saturday the 13th

okay, so what has been happening?...well, this is the first chance i have had in the past couple of days to write, so...today mom and dad came over and dad looked at my car...he said he is going to pick it up monday and get it winterized...thanks, dad...he also replaced the headlight on the white car...i am thankful for his help...but would like to not have to depend on him...we (mom, dad, m. and i) went to sterlings and had a great time laughing about lots of funny stuff...then we drove to their new house, which they will move into shortly...it's great...

i saw k. and ko. and others at safeway the other night...

what's happening in the world...well, when i have more time, i will write about our really awesome day at mt. hood for the louise rose jazz clinic...

so scott peterson was found guilty...may laci and her son rest in peace...may the families and friends of laci and scott be able to have some kind of peace and closure someday...i don't know whether life in prison or death by lethal injection would be better justice...all i know is that these past two years must be hell on earth for those families and friends...that is one of those things i don't understand about life...how do you handle something like that?...how do you live each day without that just taking over and either causing you to go numb, be angry at anyone and everyone, "check out" of life, blame God...i don't know...it's like any family who has had to experience the cruelty of a murder or abduction of a loved one...that would be the worst thing...

this is getting too emotional, so i will switch gears, or maybe just end this and continue it later...i drank about 5 cups of coffee at sterling's, so i am wired...m. and i are going to go find the church where he is attending tomorrow's funeral...

so hopefully i will write more later...

by the way, i darkened my hair to a kind of ash blonde color...it looks good now, but i have had to shampoo it about 20 times in the past couple of days because i left the color on too long...for a couple of days, it was way too dark and looked rather scary...now it is looking much better...i just got tired of the fake blonde look...but i think i need more highlights...could i get more trivial?

another day has come and almost gone...

well, it was a good day...very busy...i taught at o. middle school, then came home and changed and got my stuff ready for work tomorrow, then went to kp...tomorrow i will work then go to k.'s conference, then work, then i guess i will do laundry over at k's...then thursday i have to be at hhs by 545 am to go to mt. hood!!!...hey, m. will be home wednesday night!...i am so excited to see him and hear about the tour...
later...

thanks God!!!!!

i had just written a short and depressing blog entry about how i missed my kids, and was still on msn messenger trying unsuccessfully to contact k. when all of a sudden m. signed on from boise!!!!!...we talked on msn for a few minutes!!!!...it was so great, just exactly what i needed tonight...thank you God for always knowing my needs, and i apologize for only thanking You when i figure it out (which i am sure is almost never)...i feel uplifted...i'm not saying that my moods or my temperament is determined by my relationship at any moment with m. and k., but it does somewhat affect it, especially since the divorce and what that has caused...so thanks again, God, for giving me that chance to have some contact with m. when he is about 7 hours away and in another time zone, for that matter!!!!...ok, now i really am going to bed...does anyone really believe that?...

too tired to sleep...wait, didn't i already use that title?

words can't express what is happening...nothing major, really, but at the same time, the simplest parts of life can be the most troubling, can't they?...i miss both of my kids tonight, for two entirely different reasons...and i won't go into either now...i will now try to go and sleep...if i don't stop writing now, i will write for hours, so i will say good night...

i was going to write, but i changed my mind...

i have been down today, not anything too bad, just missing m. and hoping he is having a great time...my back is hurting more than usual...just a slight headache...actually i have had one since wednesday, although not nearly as serious...i talked to k. on msn messenger...she sounded good...i just can't write now...later

good sunday morning to all...

so i will help m. get packed and ready to go today...then i guess i will do some cleaning and organizing around here...i should go back and read my old blog entries about how many times i planned to "clean and organize"...most of the times, sadly, i am sure that is exactly what i did...it looks like i won't go to church today...i have to pray for forgiveness for being what i think was irresponsible during my past illness...there are some people to whom i did not show the consideration they deserved, even though i was ill and wasn't really thinking clearly...i am not quite sure how to handle this situation...i guess my prayer right now would be that God would put in my heart what i need to do, because right now i don't know what that is, or maybe i do and am reluctant to do it...
yesterday sure was a fun day...i think that slowly the balance will be restored to my life...something else i have to consider is being prepared for something major happening in my life...(music interruption: desperado by the eagles is on the radio- good song!)...you know, i can't really get into that subject right now...it is almost constantly on my mind, but somehow writing about it is difficult...this may be what the students hear when i talk about problem solving in math, you know, how they are to put what they are thinking on paper in words, pictures, and numbers (palabras, dibujos, y numeros en espanol!)...wasl, or washington assessment of student learning has been helpful in that way...what was i talking about?...
ok, i'm done...

fun night...

yeah, we just got back from taking t. home, after cramming 10 people into 5-person table at shari's after the byron gjerde mass choir at phs tonight...it was fun, most of the usual suspects were there, and of course, c. proceeded to deposit crackers all around the table, although most of us were hiding behind napkins and menus at the time...sounds like juvenile antics, but there were 4 teachers in the group, including me....it was really fun...anyway, so m. leaves tomorrow for their idaho tour, then thursday we have to be at hhs by 545 am to get ready to go to mt. hood...should be way fun...we had a good day...i still have a headache, though nothing compared to wed, thurs, and some of fri...good night...

things about me that you may or may not care to know...

TEN Random Things About Me
10) I am obsessed with maps.
9) I love to make charts, graphs, lists, etc.
8) I could read all day and night and never tire of it.
7) I have an extremely warped sense of humor.
6) My shoe size is a 5 or 6, depending on the shoes.
5) I buy my clothes mostly at Thrift-Rak, which is a very cool local secondhand store.
4) I am a substitute teacher who teaches elementary, middle, and high school in 3 different school districts.
3) I am currently teaching myself the Russian language.
2) I was married for over 20 years.
1) I think baseball is more than just a sport...

NINE Places I've Been
9) EUROPE! Traveling about Spain, France, Switzerland, Austria, Hungary, Germany, and Italy on my 1980 European vacation...went to Dachau, the concentration camp near Munich, Germany- unbelievably sad...
8) NEW YORK! I've been there twice, 1976 for the bicentennial, and in 1980 on our way to Europe...went to New York City during a garbage strike and a Broadway strike (so we didn't get to see the Broadway play Oklahoma!)...saw the setting-up for the Olympic Games when they were to be in Lake Placid...saw Mom's birthplace of Little Falls...
7) ARIZONA! My first trip as a married person took place in 1983 when we drove to Phoenix...it was romantic...
6) UTAH! Have only been in the Salt Lake Airport...spectacular mountain view
5) NEVADA! Reno International Jazz Festival in 1979...Lake Tahoe
4) CALIFORNIA! Disneyland twice (1973 and 1992)...on an Amtrak train down the Pacific Coast to watch the sunset- gorgeous!...the Monterrey area is beautiful...San Francisco is on my list of most special places in the world...Susanville is where our bus driver got a speeding ticket on a high school trip to Reno...
3) OREGON! Walking along the shores of the romantic Oregon coast with my high school boyfriend Alan in 1979...Applauding my son's jazz choir performance at the Mt. Hood Jazz Festival in Gresham, Oregon in 2004...
2) IDAHO! Silverwood, amusement park extraordinaire and home of the Tremors roller coaster...Coeur d'Alene, a lovely town...the capital city of Boise, where my son was in the All-Northwest Choir earlier this year...Lewiston, where I have watched many a soccer game...
1) 2 WASHINGTONS HERE: WASHINGTON DC! Visited here on the Bicentennial trip of 1976...Horrible storm prevented us from seeing the White House...in 1980 saw streakers at the Capitol Mall...Smithsonian Institute, the Subway, Watergate Hotel, Washington Monument and Lincoln Memorial- so much history!!! and last but never least- WASHINGTON STATE! I live in Washington, so I have been to many places within this beautiful place, such as...`Seattle and Spokane, but everyone knows about those places, so I will mention some not-so-well-known, but special-to-me places...most of all the San Juan Islands for whale-watching and just riding the ferries between the islands...also Mt. Rainier...my hometown(s) of the Tri-Cities, Pasco, Kennewick, and Richland in southeastern Washington...Richland, my current hometown and birthplace of my son and daughter...Richland is home to the Hanford Nuclear Reservation and Washington State University Tri-Cities campus (where I obtained my Bachelor's Degree)...Kennewick is home of the Three Rivers Coliseum, where the WHL Tri-City Americans play hockey...Pasco is my birthplace and home to the Northwest League Tri-City Dust Devils baseball team..Ellensburg is a pretty area, home of Central Washington University...Walla Walla is quaint...Tyler, Washington is a tiny ghost-type town on the way to Cheney and it is very scary at night!...Cheney has nice people working at the Zip's restaurant...Boulder Cave is a fun place...

EIGHT Things I Want to Do Before I Die
8) Learn to play the guitar
7) Earn my National Board Certification in Education
6) Make amends to those I have hurt in life
5) Hang gliding
4) Learn to rollerskate, then to rollerblade
3) Possibly marry again (this time to the right person!)
2) Become a spokesperson for cancer research and/or mental illness research
1) Be at peace with my Creator

SEVEN Ways to Win My Heart
7) Speak the truth in love
6) Laugh with me, not at me
5) Live life every day
4) Make it count
3) Discuss instead of argue
2) Non-judgemental
1) Love God, others, and self

SIX Things I believe In
6) God. I don't always understand His ways, but I know He loves me even though I am not worthy
5) Friendship
4) Truth
3) Responsibility
2) Love
1) The Seattle Mariners will have a better season in 2005.

FIVE Things I'm Afraid Of
5) Senseless violence (sounds like an oxymoron, but some violence is necessary)
4) Rocks hitting my windshield as I am driving
3) The sound of a car backfiring
2) Heights, but roller coasters may help me overcome this
1) Alzheimer's disease

FOUR of My Favorite Items in My Bedroom
4) My cat Tigger snuggled next to me at night
3) My beautiful "Washington Star" quilt that I won in a raffle a few years ago.
2) "Grandma's pillow", which Grandma Doreen made for me as a child.
1) The white bookcase that my daughter and I painted together.

THREE Things I Do Everyday
3) Talk to God about every little and big thing going on.
2) Be thankful for what I have and do not have.
1) Make mistakes.

TWO Things I'm Trying Not to Do Right Now
2) Feel sorry for myself and my situation.
1) Eat when I am not hungry.

ONE Person I Want to See Right Now
1) Hmmm......

FYI: found this on someone's blog while i was "blog-hopping" the other day, so i just copied and pasted my own information and voila!...so feel free to do the same if you wish...

i'm back!...sort of...

so this is the first time since wednesday that i have even been on the computer...wednesday morning i got a terrible tension headache that was so bad, i slept almost constantly wednesday and thursday...missed three days of work, although i did go to my afternoon job last night, and did not do much...will give more details about exactly what happened later...needless to say, anyone who has read my blog in the past (and that seems to be only one person, and they know who they are :) ) knows that i don't have a balanced life, as far as taking care of myself with proper nutrition and fitness and relaxation to go along with work...so...i take this setback recently as a call to change...God is giving me a "wake up call" or something...and since this (balanced life) was my way of life so recently, i know how to do this so that it doesn't take any effort, it is just part of my day...
so the presidential election has come and gone...i am proud of the good voter turnout throughout most of the nation...the race for washington state governor is still too close to call...it's been very exciting, so we'll see what happens...www.vote.wa.gov/general is a website with lots of good info on this...
today m. and i will go to the mall so he can buy shoes for his upcoming jazz choir tour in idaho...we'll probably buy at payless shoes...then the mass choir thing is at phs, so we'll go...i thought about not attending due to having been ill and missing work, but this is part of my new "balance in life"...so i will get out and live life, instead of staying home all of the time...it's time...
thursday, veterans day, we will be traveling down to mt. hood community college in gresham oregon, for a cool jazz clinic conducted by louise rose...i have heard incredible things about her as a singer, a inspiration, a motivator, i am excited to see her...
until later...oh, by the way, talked to k. the other night and she sounds pretty good...i do pray for her and m. and also for my co-workers at kp, some are going through difficult times...

i really can't believe that nobody commented on yesterday's entry!!!! i'm not looking for agreement, just some dialogue!!!!!

0 comments...that is what i see each time i re-read yesterday's blog, thinking SOMEONE out there has read it and how can you read something like that and then go up to the upper right hand corner and click on NEXT BLOG and read and then comment on someone's pink and white hello kitty blog about last night's slumber party ...i'm sorry, i just am frustrated...this morning i invested about one hour of time (when i should be getting ready for church) to "blog-hop" and so many people are writing about everyday, mundane things (yeah, i know that i have plenty of everyday, mundane things that i could also write about) and i see very few blogs devoted lately to what may be a major turning point in our nation, the 2004 presidential election...and the on-going situation in the world...terrorism, etc...by on-going, it has been going on for hundreds of years, just now we have the technology to actually hear and see it almost as it happens...then our enormous planet suddenly becomes so small...our global world becomes personal...it will become more personal for me, depending on the outcome of the election, for many reasons, but most of my mind is "will there be a draft? will my son therefore be a part of the military in the near future?"... he is almost 19 and a first year college student, a future music teacher, a white "homeboy" with a wicked sense of humor, a love for english league soccer and mountain dew, a survivor of his parents' divorce, still learning responsiblity but with a caring heart and a "billy koch" goatee...selfishly i ask "what will i do if he...has to go...?"...can't even write the words...then there is my 16 yr old daughter...will it ever affect her?...God, i don't think that you necessarily endorse any candidates for this election or any, but guide me to do what is right, whatever that is...help me trust You, not just in this, but in all things, especially my financial situation...
it makes me wonder who is the candidate of choice for those families and friends of soldiers and hostages wounded or killed by the cowards?...
ah...for the good old days when i had the boston red sox to distract me from real life...

SOMETHING HAS GOT TO HAPPEN!!!!!!

this is an incredible time of year in the united states...we, the people of this republic have a voice in who will lead us as president and commander in chief for the next four years...and who will represent us at other levels such as state and local...all i can say is vote...use your power...i am still undecided, yet leaning one particular way as far as president goes...state and local races, some are decided and some are not...my priority is our safety and security as a nation...who will make the choices that benefits the citizens of our country?...who will consider what is happening now as well as look at the big picture?..you know what i am looking for before tuesday is for either bush, kerry, nader, or (insert name here) to appear before the american people on tv and address some issues that feel like they have been swept under the rug...i just want this person who wants to lead my country to care about safety and security here in the usa and for our people around the world...so talk to us about what is happening now...osama bin laden was responsible for 9/11, apparently, and is making more threats...this other videotape which surfaced lately which threatened our safety also...the cowardly insurgents holding hostages and brutally executing them in order to intimidate us...why can't bush or kerry or whoever just get together and say, "we differ and disagree on issues like health care and taxes and environment, etc. but we must stand firm together as americans against this senseless violence!" why can't they do that?...put their differences aside (not away, we know that they are there, the ability to disagree and still get along is really important) and show all of the citizens and voters that they know that safety and security has to be the priority!...it has to be...will it matter how much money you have invested in the stock market or what hmo you belong to or whether or not your child attends a charter school or if your state has a new income tax when the bombs start falling and the buildings are collapsing here on american soil?????....somebody just step up and address publicly what we all fear privately....a modern day crusades!!!...i just got really frustrated and scared yesterday while listening to the michael savage radio talk show while i was driving from one job to the next...he was absolutely right...he's looking for a candidate to step up and talk about what's going on that threatens our safety and security...if i saw all of the candidates for president and vice president, hell, why not everyone who is running for any political office in our nation, all got together on monday, november 1, whether in person or by video or however they do that, and just stand together as americans and say to those who would threaten us, "we may not agree on issues, but we do agree that we will not be intimidated by your threats and by your actions..." ...please, will someone running for office put away their partisanship for one day to show those cowards what it looks like in a nation where you can disagree about issues but still have the same objectives in what really counts?...only 3 days left...something big needs to happen...

too exhausted to sleep...

there is too much going on and the stress is really getting to me...i won't go into everything now, but i am experiencing severe imbalance in my life...yes, i am up very early...have been awake since 2 or so...i am going to make this very brief, then go pray and then exercise, then maybe do some paperwork, get ready for work, pick up k. and take her to school before going to work...i'll write more later...i just need to take all of this stress to God and ask Him for help in dealing with it or trusting Him with it, i don't know...

boston wins game 1...

and i didn't see more than 10 minutes of the game...mom and i went to dinner, then to m.'s freeform concert at cbc...it was awesome, m. did two vocal improv solos...earlier in the day i went on the river cruise on which we heard the solos...m. sang "bye, bye blackbird"...sitting there listening while watching the river, the beautiful autumn colors of the trees in columbia park...the sun glistening off the water...the brisk breeze...what a lovely time i had...absolutely a great idea...

so boston starts off with a victory that sounds like it was an ugly game...those can be so much fun to watch, but i had more fun living life than watching someone else on tv living life...

so what has been happening with me?...working, as usual, although i didn't teach on wednesday...i missed being in the classroom...it's better for me to teach each day...anyway, i am still halfway through harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban...yes, i will finish it...when, i don't know...also i am reading and journaling about the purpose driven life...k. passed her written driving test, and i will take her for her driving test next week...so we'll see how that goes...also am going on the 11th down to a jazz clinic at mt. hood...louise rose will be there, should be cool...also the byron gjerde mass choir is on the 6th at 7 at phs...

it's getting hot in here...i'm not singing the song, just stating a fact...better go turn off the heat and open a window...darn hysterectomy...

until later...go red sox...

what the...boston wins again, forces game 7!!!!!

what can i say...what a crazy game...boston wins...what was up with alex rodriquez hitting the ball out of arroyo's glove?...the police on the field during the game...bellhorn's home run?...wow...can't wait till game 7 tomorrow...also we have game 6 of the equally crazy nlcs tomorrow...until then...

those crazy red sox do it again!!!!!!!!!

what a game!!!!!...incredible boston win over the yankees...their second win in one day...crazy, man...

a color quiz i found...

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

another crazy game in boston!

yeah, just another ball game between the sox and yanks at fenway...sure, i would like to see the sox win, but i love a game like this with lots of hits and runs...it's the 5th inning or something and the yanks lead 13-6...crazy...
hope k. and m. are having fun at homecoming tonight...

saturday...

so i have been up for a while doing housework...k. decided that we wouldn't go and have her take her written test this morning, will do it next week instead...so i won't see her until tonight, when she and ko. leave for homecoming...m. is also going with a group...it should be a fun night for both kids...i plan to do laundry, mainly...i have probably at least 6 loads...yesterday was very busy and exhausting, but the end of a good week...i am completely booked for october and december, hopefully november will fill up quickly, too...this is the way it should have been since the beginning of the school year, but for whatever reason, it wasn't and now i am paying for it by not having enough money for bills...but things will work out...
last night's sox-yanks game was rained out, so today we have both series on...go cards and sox...
i'll write more later...

wow, what a game!!!!!!!!!!!

no matter how this crazy game ends, it has been great...mussina throwing a perfect game into the sixth...then all heck breaks loose...currently it is 10-7 Yankees...wow...

yesterday was great in the world that makes no sense...

yesterday was really a special day...k. didn't pass her written test, but l. did...we stopped by to see grandma at ashley manor...k. was so gentle and caring with grandma and towards the other people who live there...k. wanted to go to hasting's...just before we got there, "100 years" came on the radio...we stayed in the car listening to that song...that song is emotional for me, sitting there next to k., and especially when we had just visited grandma and that song has some real meaning for people at any age, but...i don't know how to properly express what happened yesterday...we went to hasting's and k. got two movies...we stopped and got subway...then went back to the house...i borrowed "the rookie" starring dennis quaid...i watched something, the news and whatever ball game was on, oh yeah, the dodgers won...then m. came home and we watched his "documentary" about the ff retreat...it made it seem like i was there, without being there...then we watched tv and eventually went to sleep...thanks, Lord, for a good day...

today is sunday and i plan to go to church...later we will go to the hockey game...m., k., ko. and me...

later...

yanks and red sox in the alcs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah, it will be boston vs. new york...yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a new day in the world that makes no sense...

this may take a while since i am typing slowly one-key-at-a-time-because-i-just-put-on-nail-polish...so i will just say hi and that i will leave soon to take k. to get her written test done...whether or not she passes it the first time, we'll see...we'll deal with whatever...

what else will i do today besides watch and/or listen to baseball?...i will vacuum, do laundry, other cleaning, and also if i have enough paper and ink in my printer, print all of the gle's (if you are a teacher, you know what they are- they're like ealr's only easier to understand!!!!)...

so i had better go...until later...

this world makes no sense...

the news from iraq is once again grim...what do we do about this?...i guess we can just pray for that man's family and friends, that they would just remember him as he was, and not let the insurgents win...but sometimes i wonder whether we should just let them win and get all of our people the hell out of there...then that leaves many innocent iraqis to fend for themselves...i don't know...i don't get it...

on a lighter note, boston won and will move on to face ny or minn...work was great...i will take k. to take her written driving test tomorrow...

i am tired and feeling achy, not flu-like, just sore, but more than that i am feeling frustrated about this world...i know, that we are supposed to be in this world but not of it...it's hard, though, not to get upset when senseless violence takes place, whether it happens in your hometown to someone you may know, or halfway around the world to someone whose picture you've seen on tv, in the papers, or online, whose voice you have heard pleading for mercy...as i said before, this world makes no sense...God does, but we don't always understand His ways...right now, i surely do not understand them, not even close...

je suis fatigue aujourd'hui!

i am exhausted...but it's a good exhaustion...kind of like when people say, "but it's a dry heat"...you have to be from certain types of climates to understand...anyway...oh, didn't i ban myself from ever again using that word?...yes...so...i worked at b.mt., then drove to get my ksd badge made and then picked up k.'s traffic safety certificate, then drove to my other job, then stopped by and had dinner, thought i might see k. but she wasn't there...so i dropped off the certificate, ate dinner...watched a couple of innings of the twins and yankees...it's on espn, so i don't get it at my apartment...so tonight after i am done online, i will drift off to sleep hopefully listening to the red sox beat the angels...we'll see...so the astros beat atlanta, and ny was tied with minn when i last heard...

so tomorrow is thursday and i work at m.t., then kp, then i don't know...i think i might try going to bible study friday night (shock!)...if it is still even going on...

i'll just add a quick prayer for the kids...just that the Lord would be with them always, help them know that their mom loves them very much and just hopes that they will always turn to You, Lord, in every moment of their lives...in Jesus' name I pray...amen...thanks...good night and go, red sox!!!!!!

baseball playoffs!

so boston won, that is cool...st. louis also won, which is also cool...minnesota leads the yankees, and i still want to see a boston-new york alcs...there is just something special about those two teams playing...remember 1978? bucky dent? i was a junior in high school, begging any teacher with a tv to let me watch...i was told to go to the audio-visual closet, to "get something" and so was allowed to just stand in there and watch the game and see the crushing homer by dent...i love my red sox...i really like the yankees, but i would love to see boston in the world series against st. louis...or whoever...

today was one of my 10 hour days...worked in l.s. at l., then kp, then stopped to see k. and then came home and watched the game and then the debate at the commercials of the game...

mt. st. helens has been busy...we should get some ash here soon, if things keep up as they are now...

later...

monday night

earlier my fonts were all screwed up on the internet, but now i see i am typing in english once again...i think i was in a russian font, but i don't quite know all of the russian alphabet yet...so not ready for writing in russian...soon, i hope...i worked this morning at t., my favorite school, in mrs. p.'s 2/3 class and mrs. l.'s k class...then i did my important errands that absolutely had to get done then...i took a long nap...went to work at kp, then was reminded about the work meeting that i had forgotten...it was about one hour, then went to see k. and do some laundry and "dryel" my black and my beige pants...dryel is dry-cleaning at home, basically, though it doesn't work as well as dry-cleaning, it is less expensive and more convenient...that is rare...so i am now home and checking my blogs and checking the news of the world...mainly how is mt. st. helens doing and do i have email and any news on my search for the lyrics to the song "because" by mario lanza...if anyone knows the lyrics for this song, please add to my comments or send me a link where i can find them...this is something i am doing for my mom and dad...

"100 Years" by Five for Fighting

here are the lyrics...this is an awesome song...


I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars

15… there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15…there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live…

I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind

I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life

15… there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose yourself
Within a morning star

15… I'm all right with you
15… there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live…

Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...

I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

15… there's still time for you
22… I feel her too
33… you’re on your way
Every Day's a new Day

15… there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15… there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

ed-gar...ed-gar...ed-gar...

for anyone reading this who is knowledgable of the game of baseball, the person named in my title is obvious: edgar martinez, who was honored at safeco field last night, and who will play in his final game for the seattle mariners this afternoon...he has been such a huge part of the m's for so long, it will be strange next season without him...not just the numbers, but the experience, the presence, the mentoring...he deserved to end his career in a game 7 against st. louis, hitting a 2-out, 2-strike double that scored the winning run that gave the m's their first world series...but that wasn't to be...so thanks, edgar, for everything...

mt. st. helens is predicted to explode or something in the next 24 to 48 hours...we'll see...i think that it will happen, and that it will be a larger explosion than is expected...i don't think explosion is quite the right word, is it?...

had another violent dream last night...that's 2 in the last week...actually wednesday night was the "being chased" one, and last night was the "van" one...i just wanted to give myself enough information to remember the rest of the details without having to mention them here...for anyone reading this, a reason that these dreams are significant is because as a child and especially as a young adult, i regularly had vivid, violent dreams...so for them to be starting up again is disconcerting...

l.'s mom lent me rent money yesterday, so i will pay that monday...as for the rest of my bills, i will pay the essential ones first and deal with the rest later...i just can't be concerned about this...God is aware of my situation and that i am working 2 jobs and supporting my two kids with no help from their dad...blah, blah, blah, i know, i am complaining and feeling sorry for myself...so i'll stop...

i am addicted to cinnamon toast crunch cereal lately...

today i will go to crossroads service at 11, since it is almost 9 and contemporary service starts at 930, and i haven't showered or anything, so...after church i will meet mom and dad and ka. and ch. at sterling's, then dad said he wanted to discuss something, so we'll see what that is about...

it was good to get out and do something yesterday, instead of isolating myself in the apartment as i usually do...unfortunately, one reason i do that is because i believe that since i have no money, i have no reason to be out doing anything...obviously there are many things to do that don't require money...it's important to spend time outdoor, especially when the weather has been so absolutely gorgeous...about 70 degrees, sunny, blue skies, the leaves changing to yellows, oranges, reds, dark purples...the crisp chill of the morning gives way to those last gasps of summer still trying to hang on...

i found a way cool website that has the texts of some amazing books...last night i started to read "my antonia" by willa cather...

http://www.americanliterature.com/MA/MAININDEX.HTML

is the place...i will start reading these books online...of course, i still need to finish the last half of "harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban", plus i am skimming through jane pauley's book...if i could spend my time reading, writing, listening to music, being with the people in my life...what a life that could be...as long as what i do glorifies the Lord (and it doesn't always, i don't think watching euro trip or american pie movies with m. qualifies, but hey, i am a human with a slightly twisted sense of humor...sorry)

this has been a long entry...this is what i used to do on easyjournal when i had (actually i still have it) a journal there, 2 actually, and i think i had a diaryland one for a while...i like blogger.com the best of any site i have used...

so i had better sign off...hope it is a great day...later...

ichiro and mt. st. helens

yeah, he did it!...last night ichiro surpassed george sisler to become the major league baseball season hit leader with 259...he has two more games and is likely to set a record that may never be broken or he will break his own record...it was very exciting in this dismal mariner season to see the guys run and mob ichiro with hugs and high-fives...we are so used to winning and celebrating division and/or wild card wins and being in the playoffs, so this was very nice, but to be honest, no substitute for winning...ichiro, i'm sure, is not satisfied with what happened to the team, and i think, even in the midst of this record, he considers this season a failure because his "team" did not achieve their potential...as he said in his press conference last night, he is a professional and he seems to me like he "works" the game, rather than playing it...he is the most exciting player in baseball and has been since he came over from japan...he has made this season bearable...tonight we say goodbye to edgar martinez...who will i say, "you da man" to now?...edgar will always be "da man"...so tuesday night the playoffs start, and since i don't have cable i have missed most of the games except mariners on the local fox station occasionally and the saturday fox national games with announcers that drive me nuts, so i get to watch all of the playoff games, so i am very excited...

okay, now back to reality...i will leave shortly to pick up k. and go to the dmv for her written test...then i guess we shop for homecoming dresses...this will be the first weekend since the choir retreat that i have left the apartment on a weekend...so this is good...

mt. st. helens has been coming back to life...for anyone out there reading this, i'll give you some information about me...i live in southeastern washington state, about 2 hours east of mt. st. helens...i lived in the same tri-city area in 1980, when the volcano exploded so violently...it was 3 weeks before my high school graduation, on a sunday morning, and i stayed home from church because of illness...one of my cousins was at our house...watching the mariner game on tv...there was a short, sonic-boom-like sound...then we heard that the mountain had blown up...the baseball game went to a split screen...the m's on one side, and the smoking mountain on the other...announcing the game came to an end, as dave neihaus and probably ken wilson became volcano commentators instead of baseball announcers...we were warned not to go outside due to ash and its effects on eyes and throat...so what does my 15-year-old-ish cousin do but run outside, only to run back in complaining of "eye and throat discomfort"...imagine that...yeah, we got ash around here and the sky changed for a long time...it was an eerie day, like a solar eclipse that wouldn't end...when i went to europe after graduating i took little vials of ash and the huge mt. st. helen's edition of the tri-city herald newspaper to the "homestay" families in france, austria, and spain...the dad of my french family was totally obsessed with the mountain blowing up...he was fascinated by all of the details and my personal experience of it...that brings back some memories..more on that later...

middle school is interesting?...

yeah, i worked at o. middle school...beautiful school...2nd, 5th, and 6th periods were great...no comment on 1st and 4th...it was good to be back in a middle school for the first time since i had my own middle school classroom at ck...i am borrowing rent money from l.'s mom, and i will pay her back for that, also for the money she lent me for k.'s driving school...i think i will go over and see m. and watch the mariners and a's play on tv...maybe ichiro will get the record tonight...cool...i have a busy weekend...take k. to do her written driving test, then shop for her homecoming dress...also basic health apparently disenrolled m. and k. from health insurance, but dshs sent the medical card, so i have a lot of paperwork and copying and documentation to do to either get them reenrolled or find out what has caused them to be disenrolled...there is no basis for this decision, and i will get it reversed...feeling sorry for myself moment, i'm just warning you that one is coming...why do i, who has "nothing" as in money, assets, "things"- why do things get taken from those who have nothing...okay, selfish moment is over...i am thankful for what i have, that is a relationship with the Lord and with family and friends, two jobs, a roof over my head, and my health is improving...thank You, Lord, even as i struggle financially, i know that You are aware of my intentions and my heart, and that it is in the right place, or at least that is my goal...i know You are always there for me, help me continue to seek You always...help me have hope in those lonely, frustrating times...i am going to leave now to see the kids...

just checking in...

i have a little time, so i'll just write a bit...things are confusing now and i was going to write that i don't know what to do, but i do know what to do...the stress levels are increasing and that isn't helping...i need to go off line because i am expecting phone calls, so i will write later...hopefully i will teach today and some answers to prayer will come...may not be what i want to hear, but we will see...

life seems like such a struggle right now, but it really isn't...

what i mean is that my problems are financial, spiritual, social, physical, emotional, etc...but i have my life and m. and k. are part of it, a big part of it, so just be thankful for the blessings i have and don't stress about the rest...right?...is that what i should do?...i want to be responsible for my bills...i don't know what to do about this month...part of me says, yeah, i can trust God that His will includes some miracle about helping me get my bills paid, but why should i expect help in my life when others with more dire circumstances may not get help?...am i selfish to expect help in an area that i should be responsible?...i guess my prayer needs to be, God, lead me to the person or people who can help me in the way You want to happen...i am not looking for charity, i am looking for someone who can objectively listen and learn about my situation and then make suggestions or observations about what i can do to take care of things...i also need to pray for m. and k., we just had a painfully honest conversation that i think was difficult on us all...they both deserve the truth and then they can figure out what to do with it or how to respond...i just love them both, no matter what, i hope they always know that...i am not showing a very good example, though, by isolating myself and avoiding life...God, You know my intentions, and they are good, but my actions are either lame or nonexistent...please help me find the answers that do Your will and are helpful to the kids and me...help me to trust again...not just You, but others...

i tried to add a map, but it didn't work...

oh well...

another weekend is upon us...

so today looks like this...i will probably do some laundry, then walk down to the sausage fest...for those who are not from this area, the sausage fest is a pretty cool event which features lots of games, food, singing, food, dancing, food, and food...the sausages are delicious, get one with sweet, hot mustard...there are sweets like cakes, pies, and brownies...it's lots of fun and it's for a good cause...

k. and a. were over last night to get stuff for the football game...hope they had fun...

i am just not in a writing mood right now...maybe later...

i have been troubled about a blog i read the other night...it depressed me and now i am really praying for the person who writes it...this person is caught up in a very sad and lonely world, and i just pray this person can find what life is really all about...

more later...

good monday to you all...

when i have more time, i will try to do justice to the awesome choir retreat of this past weekend...it was incredible..taught 5th grade in a bilingual class, it was muy bueno...then went to kp, and it was okay...back to working those 9 or 9.5 hour days again...but i am glad to have 2 jobs when many people don't even have 1...talked with m. for a while, also talked with k. on msn messenger...well, it is almost 9 pm and i need to go to bed...later...

good day today...

i taught today for the first time since june...it was awesome...4th grade, lots of kids that i had taught last year and before, and great to see all of the teachers and others...i am so tired, but it's that exhausted-from-doing-what-you-love type of tired...i am watching big brother 5...i used to bash the reality shows, and now i kinda like some of them, especially amazing race...oh, yeah, ken jennings won again...don't know whether he has lost yet in any of the shows that have been recently taped, but he seems to have a good attitude about it...

now to the depressing reality of life...this evening there was a candlelight memorial for bob mars, the teacher murdered last weekend...two teens (aged 16 and 14- can you believe?) will be charged...all for a gang initiation...unbelievable...i didn't go to the memorial, i was at work until 6:00 and i really didn't know him other than remembering him as a cute guy that went to the same grade school in pasco and stuff...so i will just pray for his family, etc., and the families and friends of the two who killed him, allegedly...and i pray for them, too...god forgives, but how?...how can god love us all so much that he can forgive even these heinous crimes?...beyond all understanding, for sure

m. should be home soon...it will be nice to see him...k. will be going to the football game in vancouver tomorrow with ko. and his family, i will be going to packwood, which is south of mt. rainier, and m. will join us later...very excited for a fun weekend...

more later...

feeling kind of numb about this information...

apparently two teenage boys from kennewick will be charged in the murder and attempted robbery of the ki-be teacher who was killed this weekend...i have heard rumors which i will not share here, but i feel just numb and angry if these rumors are true...there are some real cowards in this world, and i think these two are an example of that...god be with this man's family, friends, students, co-workers, and just anyone that is having trouble dealing with this...this weekend there was another murder, just as senseless, a man having been shot then hit by a car, although the being hit by the car seems to be accidental...violence, terrorism, injustice...sometimes it just gets to be too much...

on a much lighter note...
Ken Jennings, Jeopardy 41-day champion, is up to $1,380,661...cool

what happened to last night's blog entry?

yeah, ain't technology great?...i wrote a fairly insightful blog entry last night and for whatever reason, it never appeared...oh well, so i'll just try to remember what i wrote...worked for only an hour, then ange and i went to wendy's for their "99 cent menu" before our cpr/first aid class, which lasted from 600 until about 930, got home, called mom and dad, watched "amazing race", watched the news, wrote my "blog that never was", then read a bit from "harry potter and the ______________________" (whatever the second book is called, the chamber of secrets, i do believe)...so i am obviously not working today, and the thought of finding of non-teaching job for this year is looking more and more possible...an interesting, higher-paying job which would enable me to 1. pay off my $26,000 school loan 2. make an income that would enable me to pay my bills each month and start a decent savings account 3. purchase a home but really #'s 1 and 2 are the only necessities, i don't ever have to have a home, that is a want, not a need...however, i want to provide matt and kim with a place so they can each have their own rooms...anyone who has read any of my earlier blogs probably knows that i currently live in a small 1 bedroom, 1 bath apartment...i am extremely thankful to have this place, actually...

it's like 1139 am, and my appt is at 200, so i will leave about 100 so i can pay my electricity bill on the way (it's due tomorrow) and i also like to get places early...i asked for the day off, but if i get done early enough, i will go to work...i only worked like 25 hours last week and this week, forget it, i have hardly worked at all...

i just pray for guidance about whatever happens at the doctor today...will update later...

kami and karli are out on amazing race...

another exciting episode of amazing race has just ended, and yes, the twins have been eliminated...i like the way no one really quits in this show...some scenes from next week just came up and someone will use the yield...in more important and sobering news, the apparent murder weapon in the benton city murder case may have been found...we are watching the 1100 news for more details...i only worked for about 1 hour today and then had a 4 hour cpr/first aid class until about 930...a very well done class, however, very graphic at times and i felt kind of nauseous...i go to the doctor's office tomorrow and hopefully i am on the way to discovering the disorder/illness/condition/whatever is causing the weird symptoms i have been having...angie and i went to wendy's then to the class...it was nice to spend some time with her...it's pretty late so i will sign off...

Merry Un-Labor Day!

so i'll make this quick because my computer sounds like it is about to explode or implode or some type of "plode"...since i last wrote, what has happened...the russian school situation has been so difficult to deal with, sounds like the deaths could go up to 500...i pray for the survivors and their families and friends, how do you live with that experience?...another murder in the tri-city area, this time a teacher, so as a fellow teacher, it numbs my brain to think that teachers are so often targets for violence...don't want to go into many details as the investigation continues, but it was someone who graduated with my sister in 78, i do believe, and don't know what else to say except i put the whole kiona- benton city area in my prayers too...president clinton is having his surgery...and on a good note, the red sox are hopefully closing in on the yankees...i like the yankees, don't mind seeing them in the playoffs ever, but i love the sox and would like to see "it" happen- you know, the curse would end and the sox could win it all...or the cubbies...my mariners had an unexpectedly lousy season but they will be back...after years of futility we had 1995 then we got used to winning, then 2004 happened...all of this sports talk can't take my mind off the reality of this world...i can't get the faces of those russian school children out of my thoughts...i used to love sports as in i was obsessed with them...now they serve as a distraction, although i do think that the seahawks will have a good season...i am almost done reading "harry potter and the sorcerer's stone"...yeah, i know, everyone else in the world has read all 5 of rowling's books, and i, a teacher for goodness'sake, is just now finishing the first...what can i say?...hopefully i will be back to my usual schedule of teaching and working at kp...emotionally and financially i have to work that 9.5 hours a day just to barely break even...so it's just after 9 am here in the beautiful pacific northwest area of the usa (actually the southcentral part of washington state), hey but next weekend i'll be just south of mt. rainier, so i am excited, of course, unless it decides to pull a mt. st. helens act and explode on us...hey, whatever...okay, so maybe i'll write more later...

a busy friday...

some very disturbing news from the russian school situation...apparently there have been many bodies found inside the school and the situation continues to unfold...it just leaves me with such a numb feeling...news reports mentioned parents begging to trade places with their children, and i understand that...if matt or kim were in there, yes, without hesitation i would demand to trade places with them...this is a moment in my faith where i really don't understand and have to just give it up to God...also the hurricane frances situation is concerning me...i am sure that jeph and family have been evacuated...i pray for all of those people seeking shelter and safety...it seems today there are so many prayers that need to be prayed...actually, if you really think about it, every day there are the same numbers of prayers that need to be prayed, how about one for each of the over 6 billion people on earth?...duh...but many times people need specific prayers, like the hostages (and their captors) and families in russia, the people on the southeast us coast, the people of sudan who continue to be in danger, even my own little problems with "how will i pay rent next month?" seems kind of small compared to the huge survival type problems others deal with every day...my own survival problems are actually not concerning me as much as i would have thought...i know that these nodules on my thyroid might be just normal and that a prescription for synthroid will get me feeling better...or...worst case scenario...my melanoma has spread to my thyroid, and yes, i know what metastatic malignant melanoma could mean...i'll just wait to talk to the doctor on wednesday...i continue to be very exhausted and unmotivated, only able to work 5 or 6 hours a day instead of my normal 9.5 when i am teaching and then working at kp...i basically work and sleep...i don't have the hopelessness or worthlessness that might signal a depression or a worsening of my bipolar disorder...kim is concerned (as am i) about konnor's illness, so i pray that he will recover soon...haven't talked to matt for a couple of days, so hope he is doing okay...this weekend i don't know what i have planned, but i really need to get out and be outside instead of cooping up inside...will write more later...really i will...maybe not today, but...

the games of the 28th olympiad have concluded...

it's sad, but life does go on...the competitions were exciting and the music was stirring, but the stories of sacrifice and tragedy and triumph were incredibly sentimental to me...i know that athletics don't compare to things like being a soldier dying for your country or a police officer or firefighter, but it still has been very touching to hear of some of these stories...i only saw part of the story of the greek marathoner during world war 2, because i picked up kim at konnor's and took her to her grandparents', so i wonder what the rest of the story was, after he was set free by the germans because he proved he had competed in the berlin olympics, while all of the other men involved were killed...i just don't get that...anyway, more about this next part later, but i have some major changes ahead for me...i won't go into them now, but they will happen...

another saturday is almost done...

just watching the olympics, taped of course on nbc...the 5000 m race is being shown...earlier i watched springboard diving, rhythmic gymnastics and basketball...i stayed home and cleaned, as i earlier had threatened to...matt is sleeping, actually waking up and looks very exhausted...kim was at james' house, then went to the fair...the fair ended tonight, essentially "ending" summer in the local area...schools are starting, the fair is over, september is on its way...this is a great time of year in some ways, not so great in others...i like the change of seasons, the crisp coolness of the mornings, the red-orange-yellow leaves that burst onto the scene only to fall dry to the ground and are eventually crunched into nothingness...leaves undergo a life cycle much like humans do...we begin small, wet, green (as in inexperienced), we develop and grow from nourishment, blossom, then dry up and die...oh, that was depressing and not necessarily true...i dried up and died, only to be reborn, in a way, in different ways...i think faith and salvation was the main rebirth, my divorce was another, and some of the trials of my life helped me be reborn again, too...it sounds strange that 1 awesome thing and 2 seemingly awful things would positively shape my life...this has been a weird blog...my tiredness and fatigue are affecting my thoughts and my rambling is getting weird...what to do tomorrow?...i plan to go to church, not sure i will though...still have much organizing and throwing out stuff before school really gets into swing...laundry...final olympic day...republican national convention starts soon...it's just after 10 pm and for some reason, cbs is not rerunning tuesday's amazing race...oh well, i watched it already and matt is asleep and therefore will not be watching...

for some reason i feel compelled to describe my surroundings...as i type, the irritating buzzing and droning of my el cheapo computer continues...it sounds like a car engine that has something terribly wrong with it...next to the computer is a ps2/dvd given to the kids by their grandparents...a couple of matt's ncaa video games are in front, along with a johnny depp dvd fest including secret window, sleepy hollow and oh, sorry, seven, without johnny depp..to the left of the computer is the useless printer and the tower from which all of those buzzing and droning noises emit, and some computer paper, and some school stuff of the kids...then the tv attached to an old vcr with cry baby and an old er episode on a tape, the karaoke machine with eric's vocal improv cd, a cardboard box filled with hundreds of photos from 1962 to current...the "coffee" table with phone, water bottle, wicker basket and remote, plus my two earrings of fake pearls purchased for $3.99 at rite aid...under the table are many board games, including monopoly and scrabble, plus a chess game with the figures of the seattle mariners and new york yankees...surrounding the table are my couch and small sofa...a small table, mission style like the coffee table, sits next to the sofa...kleenex, my waterproof jacket from the thrift shop, kim's school box, and a candle are on the table, while a candle lite candle thing is under it, and my bible and other bible study stuff are in a wicker basket next to the table...by the window is the card table from mom and dad, the three chairs from before (when there were 4 of us0 and on the table are a briefcase, movie posters from the return of the king and pirates of the caribbean...also the posters i made for matt's graduation...next to the air conditioner is an old bag of cat food that tig can't eat because of his health problems...also that shelf is next to the window with my curling iron, mirror, backpack and matt's cell phone charger...the comfortable orange recliner and the spinning dark orange chair are under the ceiling fan, and in the middle is grandma's old bookcase, on which i have displayed many of the books i used in becoming a teacher...kim's cool green lamp is on the top along with a couple of my books...okay, i have just described most of the living room area of my one bedroom apartment, the one in which at times all 3 of us live, and at times we have had like 15 kids over watching movies and stuff...those are good times when that is happening...i hope that with school starting, matt and kim's friends will start coming over again....maybe i will have friends over too...okay, tomorrow we will discuss the rest of the apartment...or maybe not...tune in tomorrow for "extreme makeover (needed) apartment edition"...

us women win gold in basketball!

good saturday morning...matt just left for work and i plan to clean up around here and get organized...lol...no, seriously, i will be teaching again soon and won't have time, so better do it now...i actually got 2 comments on this blog and i was really surprised, knowing someone else has read this and seems to like it...not that i was ever thinking of quitting this, it's so much easier for me than writing in journals...the olympics only has 2 more days and i will miss it...matt and i have reallly enjoyed watching...well, i will write more later, want to get started on cleaning and maybe call or contact kim on msn messenger...later...

this has been a slow week..

okay day at work...i had an ultrasound on my thyroid today, so we'll see what happens...i am still exhausted and not taking care of myself...i called and talked to kim about her first day at rhs and she sounded tired, she had been sleeping, hopefully she is feeling okay and that we can see each other soon...matt is at work and will be home soon...the us women's soccer won gold...it will be another good olympic night for the usa...later...

it's what you do with the time you have...

this blog thing is different now, so i will try it and see if it works...

will tell more later...

boulder caves was awesome and silverwood was too...will write more later...i am still sick, but getting better...will go to the doctor tomorrow after work...will go see "styx" at the fair tuesday night, then will go to the fair with work the next day...won't have to pay either time...cool...i prayed about being in a rut and needing some excitement in my life, then i get to go to boulder cave and devil's creek falls on sunday, silverwood on monday, styx at the fair next tuesday, and the fair again on wednesday...wow...later

yeah, life is a bit better

cool...i went to bible study rather reluctantly tonight because of my nausea and exhaustion, and while it started off slowly, some very powerful things happened, i think...can't really explain here, but i have a lot to think about, especially from what other people said...also, boulder caves is sunday!...and yeah, i am going back to silverwood monday...thank you God!...more later...

too tired to write...

it just continues and i am so tired of it...i pray that God would guide me because i am lost right now...

i have never even gotten a comment on any of these blogs...if you read this, please comment...

this blog just perpetuates my feelings of aloneness and isolation...

complete and total exhaustion

very long, very difficult work day...i am close to losing my health insurance through no fault of my own...i am frustrated beyond words...i don't have the energy to express the frustration properly, so i will do that another time...later...

tuesday...that must mean amazing race is on!

so work was better than yesterday, but i still feel tired, slightly irritable, and sore in my neck and back...tonight i think i will go to bible study just to see what is happening, and then come home and watch one of my favorite shows, "the amazing race"...i like charla and myrna, chip and kim, sorta like brandon and nicole, the twins are okay, the brothers i think are giving me a bad impression, who else is on there?...oh, colin and christie- i don't know about them, and then there is...i don't know...i'll write more later...we are finally doing the laundry...so i will write later...

why am i so tired?

i just couldn't get "into" work today...meaning i was there for 8 hours, but i just couldn't be my normal interesting and enthusiastic self...except when playing dodgeball...i am so tired, my back and neck hurt (what is new?) and this whole nutrition thing is difficult and it takes a lot out of me...i just need to get some more, or all preferably, of this cleaning and organizing done...i am concerned about a certain situation that just happened and i pray that i did the right thing...i don't want to take away chances for matt or kim to have fun, do things with their friends, etc...i don't know what else to say about it other than it's hard doing this and making difficult decisions alone...although kim was involved and she just continues to show maturity, even when she was obviously disappointed...i know that i am not alone, that God is always there and i can pray or just ramble on endlessly and He listens, but i mean here on earth, there is no one to take this to and talk and discuss...i miss that very much, although i didn't really have a good listening support system during my marriage...that support will be a requirement in my future relationship...so, my back hurts more, so i will go take a rest...i think it is emotional as well as physical...i think the loneliness is trying to come back, but i won't let it...this has been a difficult day, but i think i did my best...

am i crazy?

i just have all of these ideas all of a sudden...like, the one i had before where i drive to work early and set up, then go take my walk and get back about 550 or so...then i have my car there and i can walk...then after work i can drive down to the park and walk or wait and do my walk when it cools down...also, if i do pilates am and pm, maybe that can jumpstart this metabolism that is currently not moving...it is frustrating...more frustrating is the fact that i didn't leave this apartment all day yesterday...i got a lot of cleaning done, however...i sent a im message to kim...haven't been in contact with matt or kim...i don't know what to say about that right now...i love them and think of and pray for them like always...i am making eggs right now...i think that i have been eating more than 20 g of carbs, so that may be why this all isn't working right now...will write more later...

another saturday morning...

well, i'm not sure what is going to happen today...just like any other day...i just don't feel that empty, isolated, loneliness that i did even as recently as last night...last night was hard for me...but it helped to think of all of the things and relationships that i am now free from, and that does give me some peace about it...things i need to do today include cleaning and organizing, especially my bills and paperwork...things i want to do today include a long walk and maybe going to hasting's, just to look around...i wonder if anyone else ever reads this?...sometimes i wish that someone else on this earth knew...understood...whatever...i slept on the couch last night, it was cooler out there with the white fan and i had the windows open a little because it was such a mild night...we are supposed to get back into the 90's like usual again by sunday...that is not such a good thing to me...i prefer the low 80's, i think, once the kids are settled into their own lives, about moving to the west side, maybe the san juan islands...i love it over there, but it is a different way of life, with the water and the transportation differences, and the cost of living is much higher...i would need to get my master's degree or at least a couple of endorsements and actually have my own classroom just to afford living there...it's not like i am making plans to move...i just like to dream, like anyone else...right now, i am here with matt and kim, where i want to be...don't know what will happen in the future, and don't want to be selfish or anything...my main concerns on this earth are matt and kim and our relationship and i guess helping them and showing them a good example...i don't do that every day, i'm sure, but i am trying...for some reason today i have more of a hopefulness than usual...oh, i just remembered, kim had asked me about going to a concert up in the seattle area and i want to pray about this decision...so i have some other things to do like the dishes and stuff, so i will go...i have to just keep going...i feel like i am being selfish again, but i am in need of something different, not just work all week and clean all weekend...but that depends on me...not anyone else...i can get in the car and drive somewhere, but it would have to be something free since i have no money for anything other than bills and groceries...that is okay, i am not complaining...i can look in the mirror and see a person who works hard and tries to be responsible for her bills and does make mistakes, and really the only one i have to try to please is God...He knows what's really going on, and His judgement is all that matters...living in this world, it can be hard to remember that, though...ok, i have lots to do, i need to go...hopefully there will be a good baseball game on fox...last night's mariner game ended strangely...but i just can't get all caught up in sports like i used to...later...

my so-called life...

the microwave beeps annoyingly to inform me that my chicken legs are thawed...i sit, hunched and seemingly defeated, at the throne of the "king" computer, who, in my opinion, should be the victim of a brutal coup and replaced by king dell or queen hewlett packard...yeah...that would be the winner of the "dumbest beginning of a novel ever"...anyway, i am tired from a long, weird day at work...will write more later after having eaten dinner and maybe rested or something...later

yeah, we went ice block sliding today...cool

yeah, another thunder and lightning advisory!...maybe it will rain again...yeah, ice block sliding was awesome...i went down once, then kenny challenged me to a race, and i had to say yes, right?...wow, it was so fun...kim is at her grandparents' house, then will spend tomorrow night at her dad's...hope it goes well...matt was here earlier, so it was good to see him, and i got a chance to talk to kim for a little while...konnor got back last night...got to see ariana today...she has really grown...well, i'll write more later...

an okay day...just glad it's almost over

work was okay...we played capture the flag...i am watching "arizona dream" with johnny depp...my back and neck still hurt...kim is at bryce's...hope to see matt sometime today...all for now...bye

soon it's gonna rain...i can feel it...

soon it's gonna rain...rain pell mell...soon it's gonna rain...what are we gonna do?...pretty good jazz song by genesis, not by my 1979 pasco high stage choir...a very quick workday...i would have to get another blog about my feelings about the husband who apparently killed his wife in utah...because i won't go there here...too much...yeah, we are under a "weather advisory" for thunder and lightning, yeah!...we need rain!...life on this earth is difficult, isn't it, sometimes?...what do people do who don't trust God?...if i only had this world and all of its problems, and had no concept of a Lord who would die for me and for everyone, even hitler, bin laden, all of us...i don't understand, but i do believe...it's hard when i hear the stories in the news and on the internet, and when i have experienced the pain and injustice that i have, but i do believe, i just don't get it...why some things happen and why some things don't happen...not sure what else to say...kim and some friends are at the rec room...if i had the energy, i would go down there and say hi and maybe play some pool, but i am just tired, and i have some housework...also i called that homes 4 life place and they will send me an information packet in the mail, hopefully i will get that tomorrow...if it is meant to be, then great..if not, then something else, i guess...i just would like a home with a bedroom for each of us, washer and dryer, yard, you know, just those things...but you know, there is no guarantee of anyone getting a house in life...many people live in a cardboard box...i need to be thankful for what we have...but at the same time, i want to provide matt and kim with a place to live, enjoy, have some privacy...sean hannity just played part of that song "this love" by maroon 5- i really like that song, why i don't know, but i like it...so i'll go now, got some housework and i think i'll watch "shadowlands" maybe...later....

not my best day...

i wouldn't say that things today were my fault necessarily, but there was a lot of tension between matt and me...we spend a lot of time together, which is good, but lately, today, the tension was noticeable...i think that we both want and need "the" relationship in our lives, but i don't know why it hasn't happened apparently for him, and i just haven't made an effort...i don't know...kim is here looking at old photos...she and sean went swimming...it is nice to have her here tonight...we rented movies...i will watch "shadowlands" sometime this week...i have wanted to see it for a while...i am feeling kind of tired and my back is hurting, what else is new?...i am teaching myself russian...i need to get speakers for the computer, so i can use the audio part to help pronounce the words...also have to figure out about getting russian alphabet letter...some actually look like english, and some even are pronounced somewhat similarly, but most are unusual and there are some different sounds...dateline has a story about elian gonzales, remember him?...wonder how he is doing?...he saw his own mother die...very sad...sounds like he has been forgotten, but maybe that is for the best for him...so i will say goodbye...bye...oh, by the way...it's mom and dad's 45th wedding anniversary...good for them...

oh, no, not another new fall series starring jason alexander!?!

we're "watching" the buick open, sort of, and we, meaning matt and i, i think will go to winco and safeway today...i just talked to kim on msn messenger and she sounds good...konnor will be home tuesday...today is mom and dad's 45th wedding anniversary...i could still have a 45th wedding anniversary if i marry somewhat soon...i am only 42, right?...i already had a 20th wedding anniversary...although we weren't together then so i guess it doesn't count...i didn't go to church this morning, but had an interesting "conversation" with God...ok, i am going to go get dressed and we'll go...i hope to stop by and see kim...bye

a darned good day...hope tonight goes well, too

yeah, today at work went well...a mellow day, i had the chance to get some cleaning and organizing done...last night's staff get-together was just what we all needed...i even felt comfortable enough to tell ange and trish how uncomfortable i was (for about 2 minutes) to be the only non-married there...i was married almost as long as most of them have been alive...legally, we were married over 20 years, but the separation started at 18 1/2 years...but i actually had fun, the talking and venting we did was helpful and amusing, the guys were funny, too...i especially think that dave is great, although bryan seems just as crazy...mark was quiet at first, but started to open up...i think ange and dave are all set to "find me a husband"...hey, whatever...as long as it is who God means for me to be with, that is fine...but i can't imagine ever being in another difficult relationship as our marriage was...i love les as a person, a human being, a fellow believer in God, and since he is and always will be the father of matt and kim, there is a place for him in my heart....however, and we won't go there here and now...that is for another blog...one away from anyone's eyes but mine...
kim said the movie was good last night...she spent the night at vanessa's...she has a sore throat and sounded tired when we talked this morning (more than just the "staying up too late" tired, more like a "getting sick" tired...matt is at work...hope it is a good day for him...i forgot to call him last night and tell him i would be later than previously anticipated...so i got home at, like, 1100, and he was basically already asleep, so we really didn't spend any time together yesterday...well, tonight we (me, matt, kim, mom, dad) will go out for a late celebration of the 3 month long "birthday of noreen"...don't know where we will go, but it will be fun...we seem to always have fun with my parents...i have been doing this "low-carb" thing, and last night dave mentioned "atkins" and i said i wasn't actually doing it, but i went to the website, and i think it will help me do induction right, like i did in 1999 when i lost 20 pounds in 21 days...yeah, maybe it's a vanity thing...i miss my size 4 clothes, and even my size 8's are a little tight...but it's more than that...i am out of shape and it is affecting how i feel...my back always hurts?...don't i say that in every one of these blog posts?...duh, get a clue...my neck and back always hurt when i am overweight...my weight normally fluctuates between 100 and 112 lbs., i guess for a person 5'3", that is pretty normal...so i will go now...take a shower and try to figure out what to wear...i won't stress about it, though...the fact that it is 100 degrees out will affect my clothing choice, n'est-ce pas? Pourquoi est-ce que je jamais écris en françáis tous les jours? Ç'est le trés belle langue dans le monde, et oui, je sais beauçóup des mots, mais je ne habite pas en france, et je n'ai pas de personnes qui parler français trés bien! C'ést le vie, oui? Y yo tambien hablo en espanol, pero no mucho!
okay, back to english...i will write later...i will have a good weekend, i hope...

this week has been long...

i'm tired...an okay day at work, and now matt and i were watching lotr: fellowship of the ring, but now he is playing football and i guess i will turn on the tv...my back hurts...i will write later...oh, i did talk to kim and will tell more about that later...

couldn't sleep, so i'll write...i mean, type

yeah, it's like after 4:00 am and i know my alarm is set for 5:00 am so i can be to work before 6:00 am, but i just can't sleep...i drank several glasses of crystal light iced tea last night so i could stay up to watch 2 episodes of last comic standing and the amazing race (why am i watching all of these reality shows that i used to bash?)...i have a lot on my mind...i was so negative and sarcastic yesterday, actually it started before that...not sure where it is originating...i think the devil is working overtime to get to me, but God is stronger...i will call kim today...it seems i have been avoiding her or something...no, i haven't been, i just get home from work and don't want or don't seek out any communication with anyone and i'm sorry for that...we are supposed to go to the playground of dreams and the water park today, but i'm pretty sure that is not happening...i'll do what i can to help make today at work mellow and calm...i think we have a meeting tomorrow night...i hope so, we all need to talk about work and spend some time together away from work...so i'll talk to you later today...

hey...tuesday again

an okay day at work...it's mom's birthday so i called and left a message...hope to see her and dad again soon...work was okay...i think we are having our meeting thursday night...i am not going to silverwood monday and that is actually okay...hopefully i will see kim soon...will write more later...

beginning of another week already

well, work was okay...i opened and worked 6:00 until 3:00, which is a schedule i like, except for that moment when my alarm goes off and i don't want to get out of bed...actually this morning i had such a troubling dream, i guess getting up wasn't so hard...i don't even want to discuss the dream, but it was very upsetting and i don't understand why it occurred...anyway, work was okay...i like to open there, and set out all of the stuff and have those cool cd's playing when the kids come in, like the reggae one and the latin and stuff, it's cool...matt is here playing football and kim is at brad's party... i think she will be coming home tomorrow...my back hurts again...on my hour-long break i went to the library and did some paperwork and xeroxed some stuff- my pay stubs and tax return and other things so i can get the insurance recertification and the dshs stuff...so i will write more later...bye

crazy game in boston!

yeah, i had a cruddy day yesterday, basically my own fault, i was feeling sorry for myself, selfish, blah...blah...blah...at least i was honest with kim instead of saying "oh, i am fine"..."no problem"...then i tell God off, totally, on the way home...how embarassing...yeah, i was yelling in the car (after rolling up the windows) things like, "f%#$ you god" and "i hate my f#%ing life!" and all that...before i even got home i was apologizing and saying i was sorry but that i was glad God understands that i am just sad and i didn't mean it...it reminded me of before...then i got home and turned on the tv to fox and yeah, the awesomely crazy boston- new york game was on, and it was so insane!...bad weather...postponed...yankees on the bus...then they actually played...rodriquez got hit...big bench-clearing brawl...ejections...back and forth scoring...very poorly played game...sox had 4 errors...yankees built big lead, and slowly the sox came back...a 67 minute inning with both teams scoring a combined 10 runs...walk off by mueller...sox win!...just what i needed to get my mind off my "problems"...more later...