why?

i know that the bible says that God's ways are beyond our understanding....He works in mysterious ways...i apologize if i am taking scripture out of context...what has happened in asia is just too much to bear...how do you pray about this?...all of the lives lost, all of the missing people, the injuries, the damage, the places which simply disappeared from the face of the earth, the survivors, the families and friends and acquaintances of anyone involved...i guess my prayer would be (and has been), "God, i don't get this...why?...what should i pray about?...what could i do to help?...help me to be thankful for who and what i have in my life, especially now"...i've had that numb feeling since the tsunami, much like i did after 9/11, the school hostage situation in russia, columbine, the executions in iraq, and a few personal traumas...i think we go into that numb state of shock to protect ourselves from an unbearable situation...it protects us from that which we cannot experience at that time...on a personal note, i am saddened by the death of jerry orbach, an actor whom i admired in several roles, "law and order", of course, but also "dirty dancing" and the voice of lumiere in "beauty and the beast" (my favorite disney movie)...i know that death is what ultimately waits for each of us, but it is part of human nature for most people to be saddened by it, even when it takes away someone who is in unending pain, because we just miss that person being here with us, even if (hopefully) they are in heaven...

so 2004 ends...a safe and interesting 2005 to all of you in blogland...

hope it was/is a special Christmas for all

i'm not going to write much, mainly because a csi rerun is on and m. and i are going to watch...tonight there will be lots of channel changing because the "sound of music" is on and "my dog skip" and i think maybe "it's a wonderful life" is on again...i received two really great comments on my last blog, and that is just an awesome feeling to know that others are being somehow positively affected by something i have done...thank you...

thank You, God, for bringing family and friends together today...also for bringing together possible adversaries (my ex and his wife- but it was actually nice to see them and wish them the best)...thank You not only for humbling yourself to become a human and eventually die for OUR sins...help me to remember what You did for me and for us all...i get so caught up in unimportant and worldly things...help me to trust You and to just try to do the best i can...

help me to stay out of the candy!!!!!

merry christmas eve...eve

there are so many people who are grieving this christmas, and my thoughts and prayers go to them...families and friends of those killed or injured in the horrible attack in mosul, iraq...many of those soldiers are from ft. lewis here in washington state...the family of the woman murdered in missouri...any family or friend of someone who has been killed, injured, or is missing...people who are newly divorced, separated, or have lost a child through death or divorce or custody battle or just estrangement, as is my case with my daughter (her choice)...anyone out there who feels alone, whether they are actually alone or are in a room filled with people and still feel alone...this is a devestatingly difficult time of year, because i am one of you...i am choosing this year to be thankful for what i have and who is in my life, rather than wish for things or people or relationships that aren't in my life...yes, i am tired and my christmas break is only 3 days, but thankfully i have 2 jobs!!!!...yes, i have to wash my clothes in my bathtub, hang them up on the shower curtain to dry, and then over the heater to finish drying, but thankfully i have clothes and a place to live...we don't really have food in our cupboards right now, but m. has spent some of his own money to buy a little food for us to have...the heater on my car is not currently working and i have no money for getting it fixed, but thankfully i have a car, the weather isn't as bad as it could be, and i live in an area with public transportation that is almost always available...my daughter is choosing not to be in my life at this time, but there is always hope as long as we are both alive...

well, i am not sure where that all came from...

so...tomorrow is christmas eve...today is the first day of my christmas break...i get today, tomorrow, and new year's eve off...saw the movie "the incredibles" yesterday, and it is really fun...i recommend it, and i am very particular about movies, so you can trust that it is a good movie...m. and i have just been hanging around here, i have done some housework and i think we are going to grab the basketball from his trunk and go shoot some hoops down at oak park...it is about 29 degrees but it is sunny and really beautiful outside...tomorrow we will go to church, then mom and dad are having a sort of "christmas eve housewarming" for their new home...m. and i will be there, k. said she might go for a while, l. and f. and some of their kids, m. and r. and some of their kids, and of course, mom and dad...my parents have 3 children, myself, my older sister l. and my younger brother, m...l and her husband f have 6 kids ranging in ages from 25 to 10, m. and his wife r. have 7 kids ranging from 16 to 3, and with my ex-husband l. i have 2 kids...so mom and dad have 15 grandchildren of these approximate ages: 25, 23, 19, 17, 12, 10, those are my sister's...then 16, 14, 13, 10, 7,5, 3, my brother's kids...and mine are 19 and 16...8 girls and 7 boys...4 are high school grads, 1 will graduate from phs this year, 2 will graduate next year...at least 3 are in middle school, and the rest are in elementary or pre school...wow...i guess this goes in the "too much information" category...sorry...

so the washington governor race continues...christine gregoire is currently in the lead...although i voted for dino rossi, i will completely support whoever has been legally elected and actually becomes governor...

i'll write again later...

hey, it's sunny

i just looked out the window and noticed that the sun is out...cool...i am just not in a writing mood, so i won't...maybe later...have a good day anyway...

saturday morning, and i just got home!

what a fun Christmas party!..just got home from the hhs choir party and it was great...will tell more later...just waiting for m. to get home, and i think i hear his loud car now...his nissan sentra can be heard from miles away...m. got an "extreme makeover" tonight...he looks great...today i worked at e. and it is the same class that i will teach on monday and tuesday, then it will be the Christmas break...none of this "holiday" or "winter" break stuff for me...i celebrate the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ and i call it "Christmas"...yes, i was right, it was m.'s car...well, i will sign off...later...

a fun monday night!

so it's almost 10:30 and i just got home from the concert...we went to support d., r., and a. at their new school...then some of us went to zip's in kennewick and i had a cheeseburger and fries and pop...yeah, i did have tartar sauce with my fries...it is considered illegal to not use tartar sauce with your fries there...not really, but it should be...i rarely eat beef or french fries, but tonight i just did...the drive from finley middle school to zip's was extremely precarious, as my windshield wipers weren't really working and i couldn't see...at night...on a two-lane road...in an unfamiliar setting...in the rain...on a slick road...argh...

so it was a good night...i am tired, mainly due to the lack of sleep last night, the horrible dreams i had, and the overconsumption of caffeine yesterday...actually the caffeine was the cause and the lack of sleep and bad dreams were the effect...isn't it just like a teacher to make everything academic?...sorry...

i hope to God that i don't have any more violent dreams...i won't even describe what occured...i had violent dreams as a child and into my adulthood, and i have had some recently, but not this bad...

december 6, 2004 was a day during which i recalled various moments of a day three years ago...2:30...what was i doing today?...what was i doing three years ago?...don't want to go there...at this time in 2001, i was probably still recovering from a suicide attempt...had to drink that activated charcoal liquid sludge...then at about midnight i was being checked in to the counseling center, for my 13 day stay...it didn't really compare with my 35 day stay at the hospital in bellflower, ca in 1992...this time, i was "working the program" instead of doing God-knows-what...with God-knows-whom...as humbling and horrifying as the event three years ago was, i consider it a total blessing...it enabled those people and situations that didn't belong in my life to leave...it brought to me or kept with me those people or situations that were meant to be there...

i have revealed quite a bit in this blog, and i know that can be a kind of risk, but truthfully, none of this is confidential information...i have been quite open about my mental illness, bipolar disorder, although i am currently not on any meds nor am i a patient of any doctor or counselor, and i don't see that situation changing now or in the future...i guess i will explain more in future blogs, but right now i am tired and need to get things done so i can go to bed soon and be ready for work tomorrow...

leavenworth, wa...christmas capital, usa!

if you want a wonderful holiday experience which beautifully combines the commercial aspects with the Christian origins, go to leavenworth, wa!!!!...i spent the day there yesterday with m. and the hhs choir and band students, etc....it is sort of indescribable, as in, words don't really do it justice...anyone reading this who has attended the "tree lighting ceremony" there knows what i'm saying...absolutely beautiful and what a fun day!!!...by the way, the people of leavenworth are among the friendliest in the world, and especially the people of the mcdonald's restaurant- they were so helpful when one member of our group lost her retainer in the garbage and one of the managers emptied the contents of the garbage and personally handled all the garbage until both retainers were found...his name is nick (how appropriate!)...there are so many cool shops there...check out the "hat shop" where they have every cool hat imaginable...it is so crowded that they have to let people in and out of the shop in groups...there is hardly room to breathe, but it is worth it...m. bought a rainbow-colored baseball cap with a bicycle horn attached...if you know m., it is the perfect hat for him...

how to get to leavenworth?...well, it is northwest of wenatchee, wa...if you know where wenatchee, wa is...what a beautiful area...and the coolest part is...it snowed!...there was already snow on the ground, but this was the first time this year that the snow actually stuck, so as we were walking around enjoying the beautiful shops and the sounds of holiday music and each other's company, it snowed...schools and groups traveled from near and far to perform in the gazebo in the middle of the "square"...absolutely beautiful, i highly recommend this experience...

i will write again later...have a great rest of your sunday...