am i an anti-capitalist because i never use capital letters?

so it is just past 7:30 am on saturday of memorial day weekend and i am up doing this and i just changed my template to something that reminds me of, you guessed it, the san juan islands on a rainy day, and m is sleeping. he will be at work today and i am going to do laundry, clean around here, throw away stuff i don't need, etc. i am also going to call k and see how her yesterday was. this 3 day weekend came at a really good time for me, i have been so exhausted mentally and physically, so i appreciate it. i am going to get all of my bills paid this weekend, i think too. anyway, i also am going to work on m's graduation thing...hope it is a good day, but even if it isn't, we'll deal...bye

oh, what a night

can't even do this night justice with words...it was awesome...i'll go backwards, we went to Shari's - Mom, Dad, M, me, Kr, C didn't show up / just got a call from M, they are at C's/ anyway, we ate and talked and joked and laughed and it was cool...had a great talk with R, chatted with Br, D, Ke, Li, Wh, etc. mostly at the little thing after Baccalaureate...M's solo and Cl's solo rocked, the choir sounded so awesome...T and D's sermons...the testimonies...the music...very incredible and powerful...I am so thankful that many students and family members showed up to hear an important message...K P was good...work at Livingston was good- I handled 29 5th graders on almost the last day of May...that was pretty interesting...anyway...I just talked to K...just wanted to connnect and tell her I love her and see her tomorrow...thanks for a good day, God...bye

hey

today was okay...worked at Wiley in the Resource Room and some of those kids spend more energy not working than they would if they actually worked (?) So I teach 5th grade tomorrow at my former favorite school Livingston in Pasco, then K P then Baccalaureate- how the heck do you spell it? Anyway, it should be cool- M has his solo...bye

finals performance at CBC

it's back...

It actually started yesterday, that old familiar yet disturbing sensation of both, well, you know what I mean. So at church after communiion, I had two of the women there pray for me and with me about it and whatever God's will is about it, cause I don't know. Anyway, I am watching The Fellowship of the Ring and just ate about 20 Hershey Kisses. I have some housework to do and want to get things ready for M and K. I think that I will just work that job in Richland on Monday and Tuesday instead of going to Pasco. Oh, I just love the part where Frodo is in the Shire reading...I wish I could go there and sit under a tree and read and it could always be like that, in a place where the people and their lives were simple and I don't know, maybe that is not what I want. I just love the way the Shire looks, it's so green and hilly and the music...I don't know what I am talking about. Anyway, I will clean up around here and I don't know what else. I have to shut down the computer so the printer will work. Bye.

muchos palabras hoy/beaucoup de mots aujourd'hui/lots of words today

I just need to pray about all of this that is going on, because if I try to handle it or do anything...oh well, I just know what the situation is to me: I think that both kids struggle with some of their classes and doing homework and stuff like that, kind of like I did in school, fortunately for me I got my homework done eventually and ended up having an almost 3.5 gpa in high school. But I did get some pretty low grades like that D in Mrs. M's class (THAT is who Mrs., oops, M S reminds me of) in American Lit, that class that I loved the books, sucked at the tests, and didn't care for the teacher. She was weird, she also reminds me of Dr. H, who I also do not care for. Anyway, back to M and K. K handled a situation in French class so well, she took responsibility for getting the class kind of on task, and that is the kind of thing that needs to be focused on, the grades stuff is a problem but not necessarily permanent, I don't know...I am rambling because I am sort of tired and I have a lot of housework to do. I think that K has been doing okay in Algebra and a low test grade dropped her down. Biology- I am not sure what is happening there. Her other classes too, I am hopefully going to know more in the next couple of days. M has gotten his grades up to a more respectable level, but I think the struggle to be responsible is still there for him too, I won't go it into here. You know the things I want for M and K are simple: that they have the chance to have a relationship with the Lord, because frankly, I want to know that they will have eternal life- that is really #1 to me- but also, that they have meaningful relationships in their lives, people who treat them well and truly care about them...and that they would find a profession that each of them truly love so that it is a joy for them to work at it...teaching has become that way for me, it wasn't at first, and it doesn't always go great, but I do love what I do. Anyway, back to the kids...there is tension now because I think, I assume that they are wondering, as I am, what is going to happen and what can we do and what will it do to us...I don't know what the Lord's will is for all of this, I do need to pray about it, and honestly I am scared because the thought of what "could" happen is frightening. I will not force K to live with L, although I know that "legally" she is supposed to live every other week with me, then with L, etc. I don't want to play the game, well, remember what L did in keeping K away from me and not being honest about everything...no, I won't go there. Even if something like the months of separation we had (me and the kids) happens again, I have to know that being an example of love to my kids is more important- than being with the kids? Does that sound weird? But it is true. This isn't just about right now. It is about now and later. Yeah, I know eventually that I will date again and that the person who God wants for me, the knowledge of who that is will becoame apparent. But right now, I just want to work and spend time with the kids and pay my bills and be able to provide for them and be here for them. But what am I showing them? Who have I been to them lately? I do worry about how I am, how I act, what I say, do they trust me, do they realize that I love them no matter what, and we can deal with the problems. I want them to consider me and this apartment as a safe place to be, a safe mom to be with, someone who sees beyond what they say or do or think...anyway, K is at her grandma and grandpas tonight, and M is in Kennewick, and I just want to say a little prayer, like, God, just be with them always, no matter what, help them know that I love them and that You love them, and that we can make it through the day, whatever happens, that they are more important than things in this world. Help me figure out how to deal with this situation with L and his mom. Help me deal with K- she seems like something is going on big time in her life and I don't know what it is or if it is something that I could even help with. Give her friends that can truly listen and help, by the way, I could use one of those too. Whatever is your will for M as far as CBC, you know what I mean, help us all deal with whatever happens each day. Your will be done. Okay, I'm done.

where is germany?

They performed at the finals of Mt. Hood, they completely rocked the place during the afternoon and evening, I can't really describe it now. The weekend was absolutely great...I am so tired and really need to sleep, however, so I will tell more later. Bye...

better day than yesterday, that is fo shizzle

Well, today was actually a pretty normal, compared to yesterday's hell on earth. Not that I suddenly have some new understanding about the brutality and senselessness that happened a couple of days ago, but it's like the sickening numbness is wearing off and I can start to feel safe again. Yesterday I just wanted to hide from the world, and cry, and find someone who would make me feel safe. God has done that for me since yesterday, He has listened to my pleas, my wonderings, and while I don't think that I haven't gotten an answer, or the answer I am looking for, or maybe I have gotten the answer and just don't realize it...

Anyway, on to other things, like that K went to Central youth group last night, and M's concert was so great, and that we leave tomorrow morning for the Mt. Hood Jazz Festival...I will tell more later! Bye...

crazyday

This was a crazy day. I am so glad that work is over, and hopefully Tuesday will be a little more sane. I won't go into detail, but the tension was great at work today. There is much stuff going on, and I think the fact that it is almost the middle of May, the weather sucked (at least it looked bad outside, it actually wasn't) and many kids are just not listening or following directions. I guess I could have handled it better, too. Anyway, I didn't leave there until after 4:00, K P was actually okay today. Then I took K to her grandparents house and now I am eating dinner and awaiting M's arrival. K was ill today, but seems to be better now. Talk to you later.

happy mother's day...finally!

Sunday, May 9, 2004

What a difference a couple of years make...and God, who has guided me through the storms of the past to get me to this part of life, what today was and what all of the tomorrows may be. Will write more later, just quickly I will mention that I went to Crossroads then back home and Mom and Dad and M and K and I finally decided to eat at Las Margaritas, Ko joined us, then I took M back home and we spent some time at Mom and Dad's NEW new apartment...it is cool. Ko did some computer work for Dad, then he and K went to T's. Mom and I and an asleep Dad watched the Mariners "pull defeat from the jaws of victory" against the Yankees, then I helped them hang some pictures. I dropped K off at Ko's- she will be home within the hour. I will see M tomorrow night. He has Ff tryouts tomorrow! I work in N's class at T tomorrow- yeah! See you.