I just need to pray about all of this that is going on, because if I try to handle it or do anything...oh well, I just know what the situation is to me: I think that both kids struggle with some of their classes and doing homework and stuff like that, kind of like I did in school, fortunately for me I got my homework done eventually and ended up having an almost 3.5 gpa in high school. But I did get some pretty low grades like that D in Mrs. M's class (THAT is who Mrs., oops, M S reminds me of) in American Lit, that class that I loved the books, sucked at the tests, and didn't care for the teacher. She was weird, she also reminds me of Dr. H, who I also do not care for. Anyway, back to M and K. K handled a situation in French class so well, she took responsibility for getting the class kind of on task, and that is the kind of thing that needs to be focused on, the grades stuff is a problem but not necessarily permanent, I don't know...I am rambling because I am sort of tired and I have a lot of housework to do. I think that K has been doing okay in Algebra and a low test grade dropped her down. Biology- I am not sure what is happening there. Her other classes too, I am hopefully going to know more in the next couple of days. M has gotten his grades up to a more respectable level, but I think the struggle to be responsible is still there for him too, I won't go it into here. You know the things I want for M and K are simple: that they have the chance to have a relationship with the Lord, because frankly, I want to know that they will have eternal life- that is really #1 to me- but also, that they have meaningful relationships in their lives, people who treat them well and truly care about them...and that they would find a profession that each of them truly love so that it is a joy for them to work at it...teaching has become that way for me, it wasn't at first, and it doesn't always go great, but I do love what I do. Anyway, back to the kids...there is tension now because I think, I assume that they are wondering, as I am, what is going to happen and what can we do and what will it do to us...I don't know what the Lord's will is for all of this, I do need to pray about it, and honestly I am scared because the thought of what "could" happen is frightening. I will not force K to live with L, although I know that "legally" she is supposed to live every other week with me, then with L, etc. I don't want to play the game, well, remember what L did in keeping K away from me and not being honest about everything...no, I won't go there. Even if something like the months of separation we had (me and the kids) happens again, I have to know that being an example of love to my kids is more important- than being with the kids? Does that sound weird? But it is true. This isn't just about right now. It is about now and later. Yeah, I know eventually that I will date again and that the person who God wants for me, the knowledge of who that is will becoame apparent. But right now, I just want to work and spend time with the kids and pay my bills and be able to provide for them and be here for them. But what am I showing them? Who have I been to them lately? I do worry about how I am, how I act, what I say, do they trust me, do they realize that I love them no matter what, and we can deal with the problems. I want them to consider me and this apartment as a safe place to be, a safe mom to be with, someone who sees beyond what they say or do or think...anyway, K is at her grandma and grandpas tonight, and M is in Kennewick, and I just want to say a little prayer, like, God, just be with them always, no matter what, help them know that I love them and that You love them, and that we can make it through the day, whatever happens, that they are more important than things in this world. Help me figure out how to deal with this situation with L and his mom. Help me deal with K- she seems like something is going on big time in her life and I don't know what it is or if it is something that I could even help with. Give her friends that can truly listen and help, by the way, I could use one of those too. Whatever is your will for M as far as CBC, you know what I mean, help us all deal with whatever happens each day. Your will be done. Okay, I'm done.
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