another saturday morning...

well, i'm not sure what is going to happen today...just like any other day...i just don't feel that empty, isolated, loneliness that i did even as recently as last night...last night was hard for me...but it helped to think of all of the things and relationships that i am now free from, and that does give me some peace about it...things i need to do today include cleaning and organizing, especially my bills and paperwork...things i want to do today include a long walk and maybe going to hasting's, just to look around...i wonder if anyone else ever reads this?...sometimes i wish that someone else on this earth knew...understood...whatever...i slept on the couch last night, it was cooler out there with the white fan and i had the windows open a little because it was such a mild night...we are supposed to get back into the 90's like usual again by sunday...that is not such a good thing to me...i prefer the low 80's, i think, once the kids are settled into their own lives, about moving to the west side, maybe the san juan islands...i love it over there, but it is a different way of life, with the water and the transportation differences, and the cost of living is much higher...i would need to get my master's degree or at least a couple of endorsements and actually have my own classroom just to afford living there...it's not like i am making plans to move...i just like to dream, like anyone else...right now, i am here with matt and kim, where i want to be...don't know what will happen in the future, and don't want to be selfish or anything...my main concerns on this earth are matt and kim and our relationship and i guess helping them and showing them a good example...i don't do that every day, i'm sure, but i am trying...for some reason today i have more of a hopefulness than usual...oh, i just remembered, kim had asked me about going to a concert up in the seattle area and i want to pray about this decision...so i have some other things to do like the dishes and stuff, so i will go...i have to just keep going...i feel like i am being selfish again, but i am in need of something different, not just work all week and clean all weekend...but that depends on me...not anyone else...i can get in the car and drive somewhere, but it would have to be something free since i have no money for anything other than bills and groceries...that is okay, i am not complaining...i can look in the mirror and see a person who works hard and tries to be responsible for her bills and does make mistakes, and really the only one i have to try to please is God...He knows what's really going on, and His judgement is all that matters...living in this world, it can be hard to remember that, though...ok, i have lots to do, i need to go...hopefully there will be a good baseball game on fox...last night's mariner game ended strangely...but i just can't get all caught up in sports like i used to...later...