tuesday afternoon

i can't shake the feeling that something big is going to happen, for some reason i sense that one or both of the kids is going through something major that i am not yet aware of and i just need to be ready to help them...i don't know what, i don't have any reason to think that something is wrong, it is just this sense...like as their mom, i can sense something...i don't know...that is one reason i have been glad to give kim some space and have her stay at her grandparents' house if she wants to, at least she has her own room there and can have some privacy, as for matt, i don't know...last night, i laughed so hard i thought i was going to be sick...but i wonder if i need to let go more with him...are we too close and might this interfere with any relationships that might be important to him?...i am not complaining, i am thankful for the relationship i have with him, i just don't want to unintentionally be interferring in his life...as for kim, well, tomorrow she is 16 and this is the first birthday since 2001 that i have been a part of, if i am a part of it, and i am not expecting to be, since she is going to be 16 and i hope she has fun with her friends...i will put together her present tonight...my back hurts...i need to remember that i am 42 when i am running around playing baseball with 7-10 year old boys...but it is so fun...i think i handled the situation with k. well...she needs to see that i will follow through, that i am not going to take the things she says personally and that i don't judge her on what she does or says, but that it will have an effect on whether i trust her or not or what kind of relationship we will have- upon meeting her parents, especially her mom, i can see where she gets that tendency to feel superior to others...that doesn't work with me, and eventually she'll get it- the sooner, the better, for her sake...ok i am done...